Twitter, Fandom friends vs. RL friends

[emmagrant01]

I've had a twitter account for almost 48 hours now, and I've been amazed at how much I'm using it already. It's like a nice blend of LJ and FB, somehow, and easy to use on my phone. :-D

For the last few years, I've been trying and failing to make RL Mommy friends. It wasn't a big deal before BG was born. All of my friends were either online or people I'd met through fandom who happened to live near me enough to become RL friends. And then BG (finally) came along, and of course having a baby alters your friendships with people who don't have children. You just can't hang out and do the things you did before, and that's fine.

I found some Mommy friends online in various places, which was cool, and then when BG got big enough to do Mommy&Me type activities, I thought I'd be able to make some RL Mommy friends. But it wasn't as easy as I expected, mostly because the only thing I seemed to have in common with those other moms was that we all had a child the same age. The similarities ended there, and when I tried to hang out with them, I found myself feeling really out of place.

My parenting philosophy is, to say the least non-traditional, and so that made it difficult to interact with other moms who were parenting in ways that were quite traditional. I just couldn't engage in conversations about how I handled Situation X or Y, because they would all look at me as if I were insane. There weren't any other moms who were remotely geeky, or who worked OOTH part-time, or who had graduate degrees, and so on and so on. All they wanted to talk about was what they found on sale at Target yesterday, and seriously? Seriously? No.

And then they all got pregnant again at the same time, which made it that much worse. Long story short: it took us 6 years to have BG and then he was born at 29 weeks under scary conditions, endangering my life, etc., and so DH and I decided we're "one and done". But that didn't make it any easier to be surrounded by all these pregnant women comparing pregnancy stories, then having new babies, and so on. It just made me feel even more ostracized, you know? I would hang out for a while and then make up an excuse to leave. I started to think I was just anti-social.

And then I went to lubricus2011 this past weekend and was reminded that I am anything but antisocial -- when I'm around people who are like me. And I'm not sure why this should surprise me, because I already knew this! For the decade that I've been in fandom, I've met so many awesome, fantastic, fun, smart, and creative people, and from the moment I realized fandom existed, I felt like I was home. Why should that change just because I bore offspring?

So I'm giving up on the whole RL friend thing. It's exhausting and disappointing, and I'm just as happy without it, to be honest. Besides, there are fandom folks who live within a reasonable distance of me, some of whom I haven't met yet (*looks pointedly at kitty_fic and bleedforyou1*). There's the small matter of a 3yo child who needs attending to, but hey -- he's already been to three HP cons in his life. He's cool. ;-)

So anyway, yeah. Fandom rocks, basically. :-D

Comments

[coffeejunkii.livejournal.com]

i really like twitter, too. i mostly use it as academic networking tool and to blather about television, though, so it's not really a fan(girlish) twitter account.

do you know rhiannonhero? she's one of my oldest lj friends and she's a fan, a writer and a mom and she posts a lot about all three things and the intersections among those three identities. i think you'd enjoy her posts. her lj is flocked, and i don't know what her friending policy is, so feel free to drop her note saying i sent you if you think you might want to read her lj.

[vlredreign.livejournal.com]

I ADORE Rhi!!! She's a wonderful person!

[singlemomsummer.livejournal.com]

I am a mom in the same situation. Here in Utah, most moms are mormon, and whenever I try to get into a conversation with them they start talking about primary classes and baptisms and baby blessings and if their child is old enough, getting their endowments, or what their hopes for their child's mission are. It gets hard. Also, none are into slash, because that would be really unholy. So, I've found that my online friends are enough, and some are moms like me, and some live close, and others I plan to meet at some point. So, Yeah. :)

[winstonmom.livejournal.com]

I am mormon and I found my safehaven with my fandom friends.There is more to life that what we do at church. (my husband calls me a Democrat mormon :)

[helenadax.livejournal.com]

I'm lucky because my BFF is as freakie as I am and she likes most of the things I like: Harry Potter, True Blood, Game of Thrones... In fact, all my RL friends like that sort of things.

But I understand your problems, I've got them too. At work, by example, the other women are always talking about clothes, kids and cleaning. I love them, they're very nice people, but I don't have fun with them.

You should look for moms interested in that kind of things. Unless you're living in a very small town, there must be cool moms out there thinking that Dean and Cass are totally in love or drawing H/D fanart or something like that XD

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I keep looking for people around here, nut they tend to be either really young (students) or they're otherwise in a completely different place in their lives. Having small children is a particularly isolating experience in so many ways, and it's just going to be hard for a while, I think.

[sullacat.livejournal.com]

♥

I hear you, friend. I was that mom sitting off by herself at the cub scout camping trips because I was writing a slash RP tags on my iPhone. Not remotely interested in hearing them yammer on about their clearly inferior child raising techniques.

After a while you get used to being 'that mom'. Your kidlet's b-day parties will totally rock because they won't be carbon copies of every other party out there. And when he's older, and in more group-oriented activities, you'll be the one they call when someone need a PowerPoint presentation on puberty or information on 'internet stranger danger' because they always associate 'sci-fi geek' with 'awesome computer knowledge' (sort of true). Being 'that mom' brings a certain swagger, even if you still have nothing in common with those people.

I'm taking Caleb to Dragon-Con this year, and I can't wait. :D

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

You sound awesome!

[junesrose.livejournal.com]

I know I don't know you very well, (though I've heard name thrown about for a while...[JUST KIDDING, ALL GOOD! :D]), but I love you for this post! It's exactly (sort of) how I feel about fandom-friendships.

One of the things that kept me in the fandom from the start was the wonderful people I met onliine. Ok, so not ALL of them are good, but I had finally formed freindships with women around my own age, and some probably young enought to be my kids (yeah, I'm old), BUT, they loved me for me, and we had things in common besides HP, and even though we were a million miles away from each other, we were still there for each other, more than what I could say about my RL friends. I mean, those people I grew up with in HS or college that I was close to will always be on fb or something, but it's not the same.

Anyway, I'm rambling. (something that I do, I have to warn you...). Just wanted to say that you're not the only one.

~~~

Also, I'm with you on twitter! Love it! Though, I have to admit the honeymoon is waning a bit for me. It was a blast at the start, and was totally addicted, but now it's just something else I do everyday, like fb or LJ.

One thing about twitter that I have NOT found anywhere else is how fast I can get news about what's happening in town, in the city (Boston), and the like. It's usually on the tweets before it hits the local media. Like, this gem (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/worldnews/8593677/James-Whitey-Bulger-one-of-the-FBIs-most-wanted-fugitives-is-captured.html) I found out about last night.

And yeah, Fandoms rocks, so hard.

♥

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I was pretty sure I'd post this and get some "Me too!" comments, because fandom is cool like that. It's very comforting to know it's not just me. :-P

I stepped away from fandom for a couple of years after my son was born and I was completely sucked into the baby zone, but I kept coming back and poking around, and people were welcoming each and every time. It's been awesome to know that I can step away when I need to and then come back, and people will be all, "Oh hi! Nice to see you!" It's cool. :-)

[slytherincesss.livejournal.com]

♥♥♥

From one very non-conventional mommy to another, it's better to stay true to yourself when it comes to friendship. Because really, small children don't start interactive, imaginative play until they're much older -- kids your son's age typically do a lot of side-by-side play, where they are with other kids, but not necessarily playing reciprocal or imaginary games. When BG is older, perhaps he'll be interested in the arts or sports or other activities that will allow him to find playmates, while you maintain your separate friendships. I was pretty open to my IRL friends/mommy friends about my fandom activities, and one other mother came out as a LOTR slasher, but another friend told me that my LJ was "too dark" and that made me feel judged and put down. They know I'm in fandom, but we don't really chat about it much. Like, I was able to tell them where I was last week ;) I'm lucky I have a basically strong group of local friends, but, you know? We've been friends for well over ten years, and it's only been lately that we've all felt comfortable enough with each other to really open up about what's going on in our lives. Friendship is really hard, at least it is for me. Thank God for fandom!

Holy rambling comment, Batman! Sorry about that!

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Friendship has been hard for me for a long time. I think that's natural in a lot of ways -- it's harder to make friends as you get older. And I've moved around a lot in my adult life, which means I don't really have any friends left from high school or college or even grad school. The only constant in my life has been my husband, who is definitely my BFF. And friendships seem to be hard to maintain as things change in your life. It's just so complicated.

And somehow, fandom is just always here. I've got friends here I've known for a decade, and even though we've all moved on to other fandoms, we still have fandom in common. I would love to have that IRL, somehow.

[vlredreign.livejournal.com]

Most of my RL friends are people that I met online. There are still a few that I haven't met, but yeah. Best friends ever!

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

This is why fandom is so awesome!

[foxestacado.livejournal.com]

I have similar issues in RL. I just don't have RL friends, except maybe two. And one I've converted to fandom, and the other I haven't been able to. It's amazing how much easier it is to be social when you're stuck in a social situation where most everyone has something in common with you. I wonder if it's a personality thing that makes some people gravitate towards fandom? And thus people who get together in fandom are more likely to be similar, personality-wise?

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

This is true for me too. I don't have any RL friends in the town I live in now, just colleagues. All my friends live in my computer.

[veritas03.livejournal.com]

I'm at a bit of a different place than you - my one child is now 20 years old. But I was you about 17 years ago. I was reading your post and thinking 'omg - I remember that shit.' I've had the somewhat dubious advantage that I've pretty much always been a working mom, so I did have a chance for some friendships with collegues. But often, I was happy just to come home to my husband and son. They were and are the most fulfilling relationships in my life. And now I have fandom as well and it has been the life-changing for me. Finally, I have friends that I can just be myself with and they know me better than anyone in RL does (aside from my husband and son - who also know all about my fandom activiites and support me completely). And getting to actually meet fandom friends has been amazing. So - yes - I totally get what you're saying. Fandom friends are AWESOME. :)

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I work part-time, and so I do get some me-time away from my family, and I agree that it makes a difference. I love the time I get to spend with my son as well, and most of the time I don't really want anything more. But when I take him to swimming or gymnastics, it's just so clear that I don't fit in with those moms. It doesn't help that we often can't go to their playgroups because I'm working.

Oh, and then there was the time I offered to host a playgroup. I invited all of these people, cleaned the house, set out all the toys, made snacks and coffee, and waited. And no one came. Not a single person. I think I really gave up after that. :-( *cue the tiny violin*

[dysonrules.livejournal.com]

ALL of my RL friends are fandom friends. I need privacy more than socialization and the rare times I hook up with fandom peeps (or have lunch or a night out or whatnot) leaves me happy for quite some time. I get too annoyed with RL people that don't have the same values and at least a bit of the same mindset. I end up wanting to go stabbity on them eventually, so I prefer to stick with my own kind.

*clings to fandom* Of course, I'm really lucky to live in a place where there are quite a large number of us, so getting together is an email or phone call away...

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

That is something I envy about all of you in Seattle -- there are so many fandom people there! You'd think the same would be true in Austin, but if it is, they're well hidden!

[ladymorgana13.livejournal.com]

I find myself in much the same situation. My son goes to a private school and whenever I'm around the moms there, I feel... inadequate. I'm lucky to have a few close friends who had children around the same time I did, but I can not for the life of me relate to the school moms. I'm ok with it, but get tired of the " one of these things is not like the other" looks..

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

We still get invited to playgroups and birthday parties, but when we are able to go, we hardly know anyone there. I end up playing with the kids instead of talking to the moms (who are all busy with their babies anyway), and though it's fun, I'm still the weird one. :-P

[mania-regale.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on this one. I've made a few RL mommy friends, but my parenting style is very different from most of them. I've found support on-line instead (I've read your blog but not in a while but I think you know of both kellymom and tbw, right?). That said, I do try to go to some RL events just because I want my son to have the opportunity to play with other kids, but conversations with those moms tends to be pretty superficial, if not stilted. It's not the ideal situation, but I can deal with it since I look at it as fulfilling one of my goals for DS.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I'm super AP (and UP, actually), so yeah. Extended breastfeeding is only the beginning of the ways in which my parenting is non-traditional, LOL. So far my son (who's 3.5) is more interested in running around and digging in the dirt alone than in playing with other kids. If we go to a playgroup I often end up playing with him, and then I look around and wonder why we bothered to come at all, you know? I'm sure the social interaction part will be more important to him soon enough, and then I'll be the mom hanging out on the side reading porn on my phone...

[germankitty]

If it's any consolation, once you've thoroughly corrupted taught your kid about fandom, it gets easier -- in your case, it's only another decade or so to wait. :)

My son is 24 now (waves at veritas03, and he's discovered fandom and fanfic through me -- from Star Trek to Harry Potter, from Power Rangers (okay, HE roped ME into that one) to Buffy and Angel ... and the fun part is, we can still share a lot of activities, especially now that he's an adult.

(I also sneakily infected him with MY taste in music; I grew up with Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. The result? Among his Metalhead friends, I'm now Cool!Mom, because I can still headbang with the best of them!)

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I'm looking forward to sharing fandom with him in some way when he gets older! I get excited when he starts obsessing about some movie or series, and really try to encourage and feed the obsession. I want him to be able to be a fan and to not be made to feel badly for it like I was as a kid. :-)

[kagyakusha.livejournal.com]

This is kinda the thing i'm afraid of. Hubby and I are in the pre-baby planning/trying stage and all of our friends keep ranting about how much they hate children, and people who have children. I'm really concerned that it'll be hard to meet other people who are also in a similar position in life AND think like us...:/

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

It was hard for me, but like I said above, I didn't really have many RL friends to begin with! Maybe it's different if you already have friends. Heh.

[djin7.livejournal.com]

BG is awesome. Screw RL. ♥

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

*snugs*

[bleedforyou1.livejournal.com]

*looks around* Who me? *whistles innocently*

I go to uni in Waco, TX sooooo I could probably swing down to Austin sometime, if you'd be up to it, lolz.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

What are you doing for the movie release? There's a group of us trying to get together to see it at midnight. Though that's a long drive for a midnight movie.

I should have a little mini-con at my house some weekend. I could call it EmmaCon, and people could come and hang out and we could talk slash. Hmmm...

[itsjustgwen.livejournal.com]

When my kids were in pre-school, I made some amazing "mom" friends in our parent-participation pre-school, where the parents tend to be highly educated, bright and involved. I explained fandom to them and they were interested, if not ready to dive in themselves.

I've found that I can still enjoy spending time with these friends, talking about kids, books, restaurants, etc.. It just makes my time with fandom friends all the sweeter.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

That's awesome! I'm totally jealous. :-D

[rubytuesday5681]

We must now have daily twitter conversations about children's TV shows! It is imperative! I need this in my life!!!

My ONLY adult interaction while I'm at work comes from twitter and silly me, loving my job so much, all I want to talk about some days is what I'm doing at work and people rarely reply. I just don't have a ton of people following me who spend a great deal of time with children on purpose and enjoy it, I suppose. So we must talk, yes! About being non-tradition, because I am a non-traditional Nanny, like Mary Poppins on crack, according to one of my teen moms last year, lol.

So yeah, you can ALWAYS tweet me when you wanna talk about kids and doing things a bit differently with your own, I'd LOVE to hear all about it!

Also, I do have several parents who follow me who've figured out that I'm like, the resident child-development expert and I get asked for advice about kids stuff a lot and I love answering questions and helping people out just as a way to keep using my degree and also, just because I love the subject! I can talk about kids all day long!

So glad you have come to Twitter!

<333

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Nick Jr is so cracky anyway. Best to share it with others! :-D

[sugareey.livejournal.com]

Hon, it doesn't matter if you've got a kid or not. You are you, so just be happy. It would definitely be nice to be meet RL-Mommy friends, but you know, having the fandom friends can make you geek out. And make you sane.

And already, your son is cool because he's gone to 3 HP cons. Other kids can't beat that. And he has a cool mommy! :)

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I hope he'll eventually think it's cool. I'd be sad if he were completely horrified that I once dressed him up as baby!Harry and paraded him around at a con. :-P

[winstonmom.livejournal.com]

I am also a member of the one child club! We are happy with her and it is also really easy to travel!
And yeah! for fandom friends!

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

We travel a LOT, and it certainly seems like it's easier that way! There are many things to love about having only one. :-)

[helens78]

Awww! Yay fandom friends. :D

I'm kind of puzzled by the whole "when you're a parent, lots of your friends who aren't parents no longer want to hang out with you" thing. (Especially when we're talking ONE kid and he's as awesome as BG!) I dunno. I like hearing about kids and I could definitely see having fun hanging out with awesome mom + awesome kid! But I hear that from EVERYONE with kids, so I gather my bafflement is not the norm... ^_^

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

It's not that they don't want to hang around anymore so much as it just becomes difficult. It's still really hard to carry on a conversation with my son around because my attention is so divided. Going out becomes harder, though definitely do-able -- if you go to a place where it's okay if your kid runs around or makes noise. We tend to go out early, eat quick, and get out the door when he starts losing patience. Not exactly conducive to sitting around and talking. And I only have one kid! There's probably a reason I almost never see families with more than two kids in a restaurant. :-P

And infants are just so intense that it can be hard to hang around with parents of a newborn. For obvious reasons, their attention is so focused on their baby that it's literally all they can talk about, for hours on end. Some people might enjoy that, but even for other people with kids, it can be boring as hell.

It's just different, maybe. When I was little, all my parents' friends had kids around the same age, and we had epic parties. I see the value of that so much now! The parents could hang out and drink and talk, and all the kids were happy to play together with no adult interference. I think that's what I need!

[nenne.livejournal.com]

I don't twitter, I don't do FB either, but what I have done is find Mommy friends online, whom I now see in RL on a regular basis. Now mostly without kids. My two best friends I met online and the one thing we had in common to begin with was children born the same year. In can be done. :)

That doesn't change the fact that fandom rocks of course. :D

[saladbats.livejournal.com]

Most of my now RL besties were folks I originally met online. Because I came to this realisation that I either had nothing in common anymore with high school era friends or my former besties moved all over the globe. Plus, there was this now huge part of my life, which was slash and I just really wanted to have people around me who understood it and me for liking it.
Through the HP fandom specifically, I now have all these people in my life that I can geek around with, but that also bring to the table all sorts of different and great perspective from their life experiences.
Fandom does rock and I feel very lucky to have it and to have you and BG as a part of it.

[bekkio.livejournal.com]

There are cool, geeky mom friends out there, they're just hard to find. I loathe dance moms, gymnastics moms, girl scout moms, but karate moms? They're just a different breed. We don't talk sales, we talk and swap books. My kind of peeps!

Don't give up, they're out there. You've just got to find the right activity where they gather.

[treacle-tartlet.livejournal.com]

FANDOM DOES ROCK, so very much. I have similar problems making friends and relating to other mothers where I live, but I've made some amazing - and very close - friends through fandom. I'd be lost without them, and without fandom in general ♥