On raising a gay child

[emmagrant01]

I had lunch with a friend the other day, and the conversation turned to her kids. And she mentioned very casually that she thinks her 3-year-old son is gay. That struck me as really interesting on a lot of levels, not the least of which is that I have a family member (who has yet to come out to anyone) whom we've all assumed was gay since he was a toddler. (And the signs really still point that direction.)

My friend's son has an older brother and older sister, and he prefers his sister's toys to his brother's. He likes to dress up like a princess, and every time his sister paints her own fingernails and toenails, he wants his painted just like hers. And so on. My friend and her husband are great parents, and want their kids to have the freedom to be whoever they are, and so they haven't discouraged any of his emerging femininity. They've started to collect books that celebrate all kinds of families, and have had talks with their older children about respecting their little brother and letting him make his own choices about what to play with, what to wear, and how to act. They've started talking about how sometimes boys like other boys and it's just the same as liking girls. They are really trying to create a home and family atmosphere in which their son, whether he's gay or not, will feel like he can be himself.

[Edit: Just to clarify, I want to point out that my friend isn't really assuming her child is gay or transgendered or whatever, but that the idea that he might be has led her and her husband to alter their parenting style to accommodate that possibility and be sure all of their children feel like they can be themselves. It's hard to convey in a few sentences how her ideas are based on having spent three years with him and knowing him very, very well, but I can assure you that she isn't basing this idea on a few things that happened recently.]

I was just enthralled by that, because that's exactly how I would like to approach raising children in general, I think. It seems like the best home environment for any child would be one where they feel safe, unconditionally loved, and accepted for who they are. I would also like to be very proactive with my own children (if I ever have any) and teach them to accept all sorts of diversity. I'm not sure how you do that other than being a good example, though.

I've always felt for my above-mentioned relative, who grew up as an only child in a very conservative family and has been getting increasing pressure from his parents because he's never had a girlfriend (he's in his 20s). His dad keeps dropping hints about how much he's looking forward to being a grandfather, and it breaks my heart to see the look on his face when those comments are made. All of us family members close to his age have gone out of our way to make it clear we have gay friends and are accepting and supportive, but he's never said anything. Even my mom has gone out of her way to tell him not to feel like he has to meet his parents' expectations, and to be true to himself. We're all hoping he'll feel comfortable coming out to us at some point.

Anyone out there have any experience to share?

Comments

[gunxshyed.livejournal.com]

... so much love for this. Have you read Boy Meets Boy by Levithan? The second (third?) chapter says sort of the same thing, and gives a beautiful perspective on how to raise and love and gay child.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the recommendation!

[wordplay.livejournal.com]

Well, what I will say on this topic is that I think that gender identity and sexuality don't really converge (if at all) until adulthood. It's something I think a lot about, because I believe that bodies are inherently sexual, but I also think that sexual immaturity makes all of the gender play that goes on in young children something that's quite different from the gender fluidity that we see in adults - it just feels qualitatively different to me, somehow. That doesn't mean that their son won't be gay, but that I think modern, well-meaning parents (uh, including me) can read too much into these things.

After all, having colorful nails is just inherently awesome and is only accidentally gender associated. My seven-year-old, who reads pretty nonqueer to me so far but who is incredibly sensitive and emotive and close to his mom, is all about a kickass pedicure. What I think is most worthwhile here is to actually do what we can to strip away the gendering of the experience here - it might not be that he wants to be a princess or have pretty fingernails, but that he finds adorning and using his body to be of interest. Hurrah for that.

Mostly, I just worry that these labels can pigeonhole both people and experiences in ways that aren't the best for growing kids. I don't know - am I making any sense here?

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's such a hard thing to pin down, isn't it? On the one hand, I'd like to think that gender is a learned construct, but on the other, there's an awful lot of brain research that suggests a significant amount of gender behavior is hard-wired. I asked my friend if she thought it was just her son's personality manifesting itself, and she said no, that she had spent enough time with small children to know that this was unusual boy behavior. FWIW she's an educational psychologist, and has a fairly scientific view of children's behavior anyway.

From what I understand, sexuality is something that emerges fairly early and takes a lot of different paths throughout life. I've known gay people who just "always knew" they were gay, and I've known gay people who were in their 20s and 30s before they were ready to accept themselves. But wow, everything she said about her son was exactly what my relative was like.

I think the good thing about this situation, though, is that it's made her and her husband very sensitive to the ways they talk about relationships and families. They want to be sure their children know that being gay is just fine, and I think that's a good thing. :-)

[old-enough.livejournal.com]

Don't have time right now for a really in depth response, but something your friend might want to think about and do some research on before he approaches puberty is that, rather than gay, he might be transsexual. He could of course just be very fem, but for him to be so very feminine at 3, I think there could be more going on with him.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

At this point, she's not that concerned about it or looking for resources, I think -- it' just a fact of their family life that their youngest has always been more feminine than their daughter ever was. After knowing people who practically force tiny footballs on their infant sons and freak out at any remote sign of femininity, I just found it refreshing. ;-)

[oceaxe.livejournal.com]

I went to theater school with two lovely men, one of whom was obviously gay, the other about whom we began to have suspicions (after he returned from Germany with a fey boy named Marco who lived in his room and giggled a lot and worse tight, shiny shirts). Neither of them came out during college. Again, this was in _theater school_, no more legendarily supportive environment exists!

I think it had something to do with the need to accumulate enough experiences to know whether they wanted to identify with the lifestyle. It seemed like it was a decision between coming into the world as a gay man, or as a man who has sex with other men. Having sex with men but not identifying as gay is apparently common in the hispanic community. There, that may be a way to deal with homophobia, but I don't think my more obviously gay friend was concerned so much about homophobia as being associated with a culture and expectations that might not suit him. They both eventually decided to be "gay" and are both very happy.

Wow, sorry to ramble on like that. You don't know me from Adam (or Eve. Or Steve). But I thought of your story Left My Heart the other day, when I went into the coffeeshop I think of as "Draco's cafe." It's the cafe I used as a backdrop for his workplace when I first read the story. It's very nice, lots of dark wood and large beautiful windows, I think he would approve.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's cool about LMH! I've spent a little time a the real coffee shop in San Francisco, and it was pretty cool.

I know that the politics of coming out are incredibly complicated -- and hey, I keep my slash habit firmly in the closet, so I'm hardly one to judge. I can imagine, though, that's it's particularly scary because coming out for some people means they disappoint loved ones, like my relative's situation with his parents.

[lupin-spirit.livejournal.com]

Nothing really to add on the parenting aspect; model the behavior you want to see in your kids and learn to see everything as the learning opportunity it is.

With the child in question, it's sounds like it could just as easily be gender dysphoria. Now that's something that parental support and early (teenage) treatment can make all the difference on.

Or it may all mean nothing. My son (now 8)loved Barbies when he was a toddler. That messed with my feminist ideals and the "My daughter will never play with Barbie" rule. :p He took ballet for 2+ years and never did care that he was the only boy. There was also a time when he thought watching figure skating on television was the most wonderful thing. And until very recently, while he got along well with both boys and girls; he preferred playing with girls.

He also loves Pokemon, Transformers, dinosaurs and karate. He turns everything into a gun. *scowl* and he is totally smitten with the lady that belly dances at a local Greek restaurant on Friday nights.

There really is no telling and for me it really doesn't matter as long as he gets to decide who he is on his own terms.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I think my friend isn't interested in labeling so much at this point as she is in being sure she's giving him room to be himself. Her prior experience with children was enough to convince her that her son's behavior is six sigma away from "typical boy". It was an interesting conversation, and it got me to thinking! :-)

[florahart]

Kid One was all about the Barbie Dolls at five. Pink Power Ranger. Etc. He's outgrown it, or is no longer expressing the interest, which I totally supported. The interest, not the outgrowing. He wanted to draw flowers. And stoplights. He drew a particular intersection in town (identifiable by arrangement of fast food logos) 1 million times, always including the stoplights and the shrubbery. He liked pink things. On and on.

*shrug* I think as wordplay suggests, it makes a lot more sense to support the activity/interest/etc without attempting to gender it. I mean, clarify to what gender it belongs, or whether it has bearing on sexuality. I think we do SO MUCH of that, of sorting activities by gender--we, society at large, not anything you specifically are saying here--that really is about socialization, and that really, identifying "feminine" behaviors as indicative of gayness maybe only sort of plays into that probably-false dichotomy of male versus female.

Which isn't to say there's anything wrong with (there is, actually, a lot right with) expressing not tolerance but love and acceptance for all kinds of families; I think we should all be doing this for our kids regardless. I think that's where it starts, making kids who have no immediate reason (sibling/parent/uncle) to love, but who just don't understand why this would be a relevant difference.

Also, I don't mean to say there are no real and biological behavior differences or anything, nor to suggest it's wrong to support perceived gayness at age three. The main thing is the supporting without labeling, and that's what you're describing anyway.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I realized after about five comments that I hadn't done a good job of accurately describing the situation, so I actually edited the post to emphasize that she's not labeling so much as trying to create a family environment where that possibility would be welcomed.

And yeah, I think the world would be a much better place for GLBT folks if everyone were able to be that open-minded about their kids. :-)

[hiroto.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I've never had that kind of experience. Not a lot of my family are in America and I don't talk to them that often. But I have to agree that your friend's way of respecting her son's own way of behaving is really nice, I wish all parents can be that accepting.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Considering that she's a non-fandom friend, I was impressed. :-)

[daybreaq.livejournal.com]

There's a wonderful Belgian movie that addresses this subject called "Ma Vie en Rose." When I went to the IMDb entry for the movie to verify the details, I saw a thread on their message boards started by a transexual who really identified with the child in the film.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119590/board/nest/16603468

One of the interesting points brought up in the thread was that gender and sexuality are two different things though there's this tendency to confuse them. Of course, a boy who likes to dress up as a girl or play with girl toys is not necessarily a transexual either. In any case, three is a bit young to start assigning labels.

The thing is, people get bent out of shape about this stuff and it's so unnecessary. That was the take home message of the movie for me. All the adults way overreact to this lovely child and they are all ridiculous.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I've been meaning to see that movie for a long time!

And yeah, it is young to assign labels, but you know, people so it. I don't know if you live in the US or not, but it's actually difficult to buy toddler clothing that isn't gender-specific here IME. It's like the vast majority of people are freaked out by the idea of their sons wearing pastels or their daughters not looking like little princesses. It's something that scares me, actually. :-P

[bolboreta.livejournal.com]

When my mum and I finally got around to discuss the fact that I liked girls, she told me something I'll never forget: "I would have expected it from María, but never from you."

María is my little sister. She spent her whole childhood behaving like a little boy and saying she wanted to be one. She didn't have any brothers to borrow toys from (we have another sister in the middle), but she asked for them and got cars and soccer balls as presents (and dolls from some stupid relatives which had to take them back). She wore boys clothing and her hair was short, and since my parents refused to pierce our ears when we were babies (as 99% of parents do where I come from) everybody was convinced she was a boy, and she was happy about it.

She's fifteen now. Straight as an arrow and glad as hell of being a young girl. She still won't wear a skirt, but she's discovering how to use her feminine side and take advantage of it, even while wearing baggy pants.

My house has always been a gender free zone, where gender roles were "my grandma's weird ideas about how 'ladies' behaved." I'm immensely grateful to my parents for how they raised us, specially since they had to confront their whole families to do so. But even then, I know that my sister was hurt by what my mum implied in the statement I started this story with.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is "never jump into conclusions" or "don't go overboard." Teaching tolerance is never going to hurt, but I'm not really sure that explaining homosexuality and "kids who behave as their opposite gender" together in the same chat is such a good idea.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I don't have kids myself, but most of my (non-fandom) friends do, and many of them tried really really hard to not reinforce stereotypical gender roles with their children. But for all of them, there came a point when their little boys would only play with trucks and guns and their little girls wanted to be princesses and carry dolls everywhere. And these friends were left shaking their heads, because they hadn't intended any of it.

I've also know people who went waaay out of their way to dress their little infant boys in ways that suggested they were on their way to being star football players, and actually took back baby gifts that they perceived as "girly". Because, you know, that yellow shirt might make him gay. :-P

I guess it's fascinating to me how much influence gender identity has, however parents decide to approach it.

[coffeejunkii.livejournal.com]

i think it's awesome that your friend creates such a welcoming environment in which there's a lot of support and communication. how very cool.

no experience to share, but i thought it was interesting how your friend associated the adoption of traditionally feminine behavior with being gay. i feel that the two can but don't have to relate to one another. *ponders*

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Yes, but it's hard to deny that for most people, the two are intertwined. Otherwise, people wouldn't decorate baby boys' rooms in very masculine ways and buy them clothes and toys that are so over-the-top masculine that it's almost ridiculous. It was kind of refreshing to talk with (a non-fandom) friend who wasn't all that worried that her son wants to be a princess, you know?

[belleweather.livejournal.com]

It's sort of an open joke among my RL friends that it will be a miracle if Elliot turns out to be straight. This probably has to do with the fact that as soon as he could crawl he spent most of his time sucking on these 1 inch diameter red cylindrical blocks we bought him in a way that was kind of vaugely disturbing and makes me think that if he is straight some boy is really missing out more than any behavior he's exhibited.

He's 16 months old. On one hand, he definately exhibits some stereotypical 'gay' tendencies because he's a very sensitive and empathetic little guy. On the other hand, there's absolutley something about taking about toddlers and 'gay tendencies' that disturbs me because it seems to play off ingrained stereotypes of what it means to be gay. Because seriously, there is nothing inherently GAY about dressing up like a princess, even if you're a little boy -- there are a whole passel of heterosexual crossdressers who prove that! Just like there is nothing inherently GAY about being a very sensitive and empathetic kid, it could just be his personality... where as a kid who is very butch and into monster trucks and football could still want to be intimate with other boys.

So, while we work pretty hard to raise him in a way that shows that men can love men and women can love women, it's more a part of our general 'take' on gender roles which is that it's important for us that he see men cooking, cleaning and caretaking as well as seeing women working in the public sphere so that he doesn't feel limited by gender as far as what kind of roles he can take on. We're lucky to have a social circle and includes everything from my transgendered best friend and his long-term GF to open triads to committed gay and lesbian couples, so he gets a wide sense of what adult relationships and familites can be like in his own life, not just in books. But more than that, I think we're going to wait and let him (and his hopeful, theoretical sisters and brothers) take the lead. The last thing I want is for my kids to feel pushed by their parents in ANY way regarding their sexuality.

[best-of-five.livejournal.com]

i just wanted to say, though i don't know you from adam/eve/steve, that you sound like a FANTASTIC parent. my cousin has the same, sensible (if that's the right word) parenting style and i think it's a big part of how well-adjusted my nephew and niece are.

your kids are lucky! :)

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

My parents were both social workers, I should start out by saying :P Um, I think they were pretty good about making sure I knew they'd love me regardless. My mom's best friend is a lesbian and I used to go to their house all the time. And of course they lived in the West End (the "gay" neighborhood of Toledo) so I got exposed to that a lot as a child and never thought there was anything weird or wrong about it. My parents were friends with an inter-racial couple and their daughter was one of my best friends growing up. So even though my school and neighborhood weren't very diverse, my parents managed to surround me with a lot of different kinds of people. Plus, they were a cross-generational couple, my mom was Catholic and my dad was Jewish, so I think they knew a little bit about how to handle cultural differences.

Even so, I didn't come out as bi to my mom until, um, National Coming Out Day this year. And she was all, "Why didn't you say anything!" even though she'd been assuming for years :P

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that your family was so cool!

So about when did you start to realize you were bisexual? Was it something you always knew, or did it pop up later?

[kerryblaze.livejournal.com]

Some background: My mother is an only child. Her best friend since 1st grade, J, is an only child. So, though they don't share blood, they are close like sisters.

J has 2 sons. The youngest, S, now 28, is my mother's godson. My mother and I knew that he was gay when he was 13. He isn't feminine and flamboyant. I just knew. He has never had a girlfriend. Never. Not even a pretend one. A few years ago, he started bringing around his friend K. S and K did everything together. Including traveling. Now they live together. MDH and I have started socializing with S and K. We go to dinners, the theater, and even away on vacation.

No one. NO ONE talks about it. Not his parents. Not him. NO ONE. His parents don't talk about him being single or how he needs to get a girlfriend. They never say, "When S gets married..." Nothing. It's creepy.

But the hard part is that they don't talk about to me. I know that S is afraid that if he tells me, then I'll tell my mom and my mom will tell his mom. I've wanted to say something, but a few of my gay friends have said not to.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Yikes. But hey, I do understand what it's like to want to keep your private life private, and to not have to explain yourself or defend yourself against small-minded people. OTOH, it would seem weird that there isn't an acknowledgment of the role of your SO in your life, that everyone just pretends it's a "roommate" situation.

Along with a few other girls, I stayed with a lesbian couple in a host family situation when I was in college, and my host moms went out of their way to pretend like they were just friends. This despite the fact that everything about their home and their relationship made it completely clear that they were a couple. The other girls and I actually felt uncomfortable about the fact that they seemed to be trying to hide it, and we plotted to bring the subject up over dinner by talking about some recent anti-gay legislation in the area and how horrible we thought it was. Our host moms' response was, "Well, if 'they' want to live their lifestyle, we don't care." But no acknowledgment. It was very strange.

[maracela.livejournal.com]

It's my understanding that approximatly half of children who exhibit transgender behaviour in early childhood grow up to be homosexual/transgender adults.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Interesting! Would you happen to have a reference for that?

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

I think regardless of what gender one's children eventually see in a romantic way, it's vital to bring kids up with respect for and acknowledgement of all types of sexual and romantic attraction, as well as families and parents. Harrison has a friend in school who has two dads, and the administrative head of our temple and her partner attend events, dinners, dances, etc as a couple, so my kids are used to seeing same-gender couples in daily life.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Yes, I agree. :-)

[villeinage.livejournal.com]

A 3 year-old who likes dolls and sparkly stuff and cool girl dress-up clothes? Reads just like a 3 year-old to me.

But if she really wants to raise her child in an atmosphere of acceptance, throw out the PC books, and make queer friends.

Have the family with 2 moms and or 2 dads for dinner. Let the kids have sleepovers. Babysit for each other. Live cheek-by-jowl with queer families.

Much more potent message than letting your child have an American Girl doll for his birthday (which was my own son's fondest desire for his 6th, btw) And now, at age 7, he makes me read him stories about great baseball heroes.

The fleeting passions for various acoutrements of chldhood have little to do with adult sexuality, in my own opinion.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I guess I've just spent far too much time in the south then, because toddlers here seem to be forced into stereotypical gender roles in ways that are downright scary. My BIL, for example, was militant about picking out his son's clothing from the day he was born, so that my sister wouldn't dress him "girly". He even vetoed her first few choices of wallpaper for the nursery. My cousin's "princess" behavior wasn't regarded as cute by his parents -- they did everything they could to make a "man" out of him.

The fact that my friend is so open to the possibility strikes me as very refreshing.

[hpreader.livejournal.com]

*delurk*

Sounds like your friends are doing a great job :)

The only experience I have as relates to your relative is having been 26 before going on a date, and even that was having a coworker/friend set me up with one of his (also socially backward) friends. Your relative may simply be a late bloomer. OR...

Another possibility, which even he may not be aware of, since mainstream culture does not yet 'accept' or even know about it, is being asexual. There's a fair amount on the internet about it.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

My relative is a great guy, and I want him to be happy -- whatever that takes. :-)

[inyadreems.livejournal.com]

We had absolutely no idea that our son was gay until he told us just before he went away to university at 18.

OK, we weren't looking but maybe the fact that when playing with Star Wars spaceships, he fitted his Rebel Transporter with curtains and cushions might have been a clue...

When he told us, it was like "CLUNK". Penny dropping.

I'm sad we didn't realise sooner, but glad he was OK about coming out to us, and the rest of the family.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I imagine that he knew everyone would accept it, and that's refreshing. :-)

[hermorrine.livejournal.com]

Firstly, I think your friends are doing an amazing job in terms of trying to create a home where acceptance is the norm. I absolutely love it.

Not to knock what either wordplay or florahart have said, because I do think they have valid points, but I also know that I knew from about the age of nine that I was attracted to both men and women. That said, there's a big difference between knowing it and accepting it - and the accepting took a lot longer.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I'm not an expert on human development by any means, but I know enough to know that the current thinking is that our genetic make-up has a lot more influence on our personalities than many of us would like to believe. I really do believe that sexual orientation is hardwired in.

My friend knows her son, and I can't seem to convey that without making it sound like she labeling based on very superficial things. She really isn't.

[herberta2006.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear that there are parents in this world who do know how to handle the issue well. I've had such a different experience from my parents, and I'm not even gay, but I've always felt uncomfortable telling them about my gay friends. My parents claim to be liberals, but I don't always believe them :\

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Mine don't claim to be liberals, but they're open-minded for people in that part of the country. ;-)

[acromantular.livejournal.com]

It's great that your friends are making the conscious effort to raise their kids in a non-gender-normative way. I understand that's pretty hard to do.

Previous comments talked about kids who played with a broad spectrum of toys, then dropped the opposite-gender set at a specific age- I bet this correlates with association with other children through school or play groups. Several of my friends complain about this- they raise their kids in a nearly gender-blind setting, but once they're in kindergarten (or preschool, or daycare) their new friends help slot them into stereotypical roles, and suddenly it's all about the barbies or whatever.

They also complain bitterly about the lack of clothing available in gender-neutral colors- apparently it's all sports-and-trucks or sparkly-pink-princess, without any green-with-dinosaurs options these days. A friend with a 1yo girl has laid down the law- NO pink, NO disney, NO gender-specific clothing- and is having a bit of trouble keeping her daughter clothed. I sent her one of these to help out- it's been a big hit.

One more thing- many people use "gay" as a shortcut for all sorts of sex and gender based differences; it's a lot easier to say than "exhibiting non-normative gender behavior that may or may not be expressed later in life." I guess I'll leave that comment up where it belongs too. ;)

[conuly]

Agreededness.

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

This isn't my personal experience, but it's something I love to return to again and again, especially when all the prejudice gets me down or I need a shot of optimism, as a teacher, about diversity tolerance. It's amazing.

http://catelin.livejournal.com/179683.html

gods, that's touching

[verdenia.livejournal.com]

I got a little misty-eyed reading it.

what a powerful story.

Thank you for alerting us to it!

♥

[elfflame]

Yeah. Sometimes, even in a liberal family, it's still not easy to do. Of course, in my case, it also had to do with the age of the family member.

My father's sister was one who never really went out on dates, and often had female roommates and housemates, and it never really occurred to me until a few years back to wonder why. She was just my aunt. Then she started seeing her current girlfriend, and something clicked for both me and my sister.

When my sister finally asked her, gently, which she's pretty good at, if she was, she said yeah, that she'd just never felt comfortable talking about it. This in Seattle, in an extremely liberal family (my grandfather was a rather stern man, but he'd be more inclined to tease, not to disown).

It kind of saddened me that she didn't feel comfortable sharing it with the family at large, but I think she's gotten over that now, which makes me very happy.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

My husband had an aunt who was gay (she passed away about ten years ago), and it was sort of the same way. No one ever talked about it, but everyone knew. I only met her a few times.

[shanna-souzou.livejournal.com]

Its funny because I was just talking about this recently with a friend. I really understand what your 20-something relative.

I didn't date until I was a senior in high school, and calling it "dating" is a real stretch because we never did more than go out to dinner or sit and talk in parked cars. I didn't receive my first kiss until I was 20. The same thing happened with my younger brother who got his first girlfriend in his senior year as well. And this is a boy who had a fanclub of girls showing up and cheering his name as basketball games. The pattern is looking to follow with my youngest brother who is in high school and yet hangs out only with guys and appears completely uninterested in girls.

As a family, we just laugh about it now. I encouraged my parents several times to write a book because, God knows, parents around America would love to keep their kids pure into their twenties. But as for why this has happened, we're completely stumped.

Its funny now but all through high school, my mom was harrassing me to date. I remember her even once pulling out an article about "asexuals," people who don't desire people of any gender. She seriously believed that there must have been something wrong with me. Its very probable that I began dating a few months later if only to prove to her that I was normal. I did run with a very conservative group of friends (choir kids who grew up in the Church) and even though I wasn't Christian at the time and didn't feel pressured to follow any religion-specific morals regarding sex and boys, since my friends weren't dating either I never felt pressured to find a boyfriend.

I've since fallen in love with a guy and have a healthy dose of bi-curiousity that is typical for my age. I just think of myself as a late bloomer and I'm fine with that.

Regarding your post, I've always been uncomfortable with the idea that cross-gender play has anything to do with adult sexuality. I played racecars with my brothers and they played ponies with me (under the pre-text that we were playing Cowboys and Indians with my plastic horses which we called 'Wild Mustangs.') One of my brothers was very fond of running off with my "Roller-skating Ken" and he's now a sports-obsessed heterosexual.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I was also a late bloomer in the sense that I wasn't really interested in dating until I was around 17. All of my friends had boyfriends at 14 and 15, and I wasn't interested. I've always thought that had a lot more to do with my personal issues with men, though.

I'm apparently not doing a good job of describing where my friend's ideas are coming from, but it isn't just cross-gender play -- it's everything about him, and it's been this way for all of his little life. She just has a sense that he's different from all the other children she's known and from his siblings, and it's hard for her even to explain how she knows it. But my point is, she isn't jumping to a conclusion based on his choice of toys this month.

[hearts-n-roses.livejournal.com]

I fully support what your friend is doing. No, the behaviour he is exhibiting doesn't necessarily mean he's gay but it's so great that it's given her and her husband the opportunity to adjust their parenting style just in case. You're right when you say that every child should be raised in an accepting environment without gender boundaries whether they are gay or straight. Can you imagine how much less hatred there would be in the world?

I'm a gay Mom (as you know) but you may not know that my oldest daughter identifies as bi and my youngest (almost 15) is a lesbian. She did come out to me about two years ago but has since recinded that and gone firmly back into her closet because she is terrified of what people will think. 14...tough age. She is a free-spirit. She loves theatre and punk rock. She just doesn't fit into the stereotypical "teen girl" mold that seems so prevelant around here. Her sister always did but she was always a little different. I just wait because I know eventually she will be comfortable enough again to admit what I already know. She will admit to being attracted to girls but she still stands firmly that she is straight.

We raise our kids to be open-minded and caring about all people, no matter their race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. They have a walking, talking example by having lesbian Moms and I'm sure that helps. My oldest daughter is a fierce (and loud) supporter of GLBT rights. My youngest is also supportive, she's just quieter about it. I think she is worried people will question her sexuality if she's too vocal.

Wow...I could write for days on this topic. Really. I will quit using up all your comment space though...lol.