On raising a gay child

[emmagrant01]

I had lunch with a friend the other day, and the conversation turned to her kids. And she mentioned very casually that she thinks her 3-year-old son is gay. That struck me as really interesting on a lot of levels, not the least of which is that I have a family member (who has yet to come out to anyone) whom we've all assumed was gay since he was a toddler. (And the signs really still point that direction.)

My friend's son has an older brother and older sister, and he prefers his sister's toys to his brother's. He likes to dress up like a princess, and every time his sister paints her own fingernails and toenails, he wants his painted just like hers. And so on. My friend and her husband are great parents, and want their kids to have the freedom to be whoever they are, and so they haven't discouraged any of his emerging femininity. They've started to collect books that celebrate all kinds of families, and have had talks with their older children about respecting their little brother and letting him make his own choices about what to play with, what to wear, and how to act. They've started talking about how sometimes boys like other boys and it's just the same as liking girls. They are really trying to create a home and family atmosphere in which their son, whether he's gay or not, will feel like he can be himself.

[Edit: Just to clarify, I want to point out that my friend isn't really assuming her child is gay or transgendered or whatever, but that the idea that he might be has led her and her husband to alter their parenting style to accommodate that possibility and be sure all of their children feel like they can be themselves. It's hard to convey in a few sentences how her ideas are based on having spent three years with him and knowing him very, very well, but I can assure you that she isn't basing this idea on a few things that happened recently.]

I was just enthralled by that, because that's exactly how I would like to approach raising children in general, I think. It seems like the best home environment for any child would be one where they feel safe, unconditionally loved, and accepted for who they are. I would also like to be very proactive with my own children (if I ever have any) and teach them to accept all sorts of diversity. I'm not sure how you do that other than being a good example, though.

I've always felt for my above-mentioned relative, who grew up as an only child in a very conservative family and has been getting increasing pressure from his parents because he's never had a girlfriend (he's in his 20s). His dad keeps dropping hints about how much he's looking forward to being a grandfather, and it breaks my heart to see the look on his face when those comments are made. All of us family members close to his age have gone out of our way to make it clear we have gay friends and are accepting and supportive, but he's never said anything. Even my mom has gone out of her way to tell him not to feel like he has to meet his parents' expectations, and to be true to himself. We're all hoping he'll feel comfortable coming out to us at some point.

Anyone out there have any experience to share?

Comments

[kawaiililme.livejournal.com]

I have a little step-brother who a few of us think is gay. He's just...more effeminate? It's hard to put my finger on exactly why we think that way but it doesn't help that he has a gay uncle, a lesbian mother, and several other gay relatives...so genetics aren't *really* in his favor. Either way my stepdad is dreading it but will be accepting if it comes to be so (with a gay brother he's more than used to the whole thing). Generally we don't have to do a lot of raising him and his sister to be accepting because well...lots of gay family. They're pretty much used to it.

[doctor-bendo.livejournal.com]

It's hard to put my finger on exactly why we think that way but it doesn't help that he has a gay uncle, a lesbian mother, and several other gay relatives...so genetics aren't *really* in his favor.

lol Aren't really in his favor how?

[kawaiililme.livejournal.com]

In the argument. If say, I'm arguing that he's gay and his father is arguing that he's not gay, then the genetics aren't in his favor. They're in mine.

[kaalee.livejournal.com]

The thing that I was struck by in reading this post was the fact that your friend and her husband were noticing something about one of their children and discussed and evaluated their own parenting style to make sure that they definitely were showing what they believe and what they want to show.

I always find it reinforcing when other people are being reflective and proactive about what messages they want to be sure they're sending. It just goes to show that being a parent (or teacher or person, really) isn't an unchanging thing.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

YES. That is exactly the point I was trying to make. Thank you! ♥

[kabal42.livejournal.com]

Here by way of elfflame who knows how close this issue is to my heart.

I have a cousin who has a similar story to your relatives. I don't know if he is gay or just very, very shy, but. Well. And my family is not the most understanding there is. Not that they would judge him or disown him - far from it! They just suffer from common misconceptions about gender and sexuality.

Which has led me myself to keep it a secret that I'm bi, poly and into BDSM. And ever more so that I'm genderqueer. I keep wanting to come out, but it's so very hard. Though I think my mum might be ready to handle more and more. She knows I'm bi and accepted that without even commenting. Which was a great experience, I have to admit.

That all ranted, I have so much respect for your friend! The only way to secure a better future for people of all genders and sexualities are for kids to be raised that way. If I'd been raised in a less gender-normative way, I would've been a more balanced person, that's for sure.

P.S. Friended you - because it's overdue for the fic and this is a good reminder ;-)

*rambles on*

[scary-sushi.livejournal.com]

While the child may not turn out to be gay, it's really great to see how much parents can do to make the environment diverse, loving and accepting of differences. While my parents always prided themselves on being open-minded and accepting, the fact is I was raised in a country were being homosexual actually lands you in prison and subjects you to the death penalty. Although my mother has a very close homosexual friend in a very serious relationship, him and his partner don't live in my homecountry and haven't come out to his parents (he's forty-ish).

On the other hand, I still haven't had a boyfriend (I'm a girl and twenty). I just moved to London a year ago, and I do feel like an alien (almost everyone has already slept with someone): most people here have questioned my sexuality, including my own parents. At some point, they even tried to breach the subject.

It was pretty painful: you could just hear they didn't even want to consider it. That they hated even the possibility of it.

But the fact is, I think I'm too much of a heterosexual romantic at heart, and my upbringing in the Middle-East makes it really difficult for me to have anything not serious with a guy. Or not related to alcohol or clubs *shrugs*. My brother played with dolls, though. And was growing to be left-handed. My parents kind of straightened him out (although I voiced my disapproval really really loudly :P): they made him hold pencils in his right hand and kept correcting him again and again for more than three years, and took away all dolls and pink things. And yelled at my sister and I for being to girly around him :P.

My point is, what your friends are doing is admirable: I mean, my parents prided themselves on being open, but really, it is one of their nightmares to have a child turn out gay: my bro gave them a fright, and while I've always been quiet and studious,they're now starting to get worried about me and the non-existence of potential boyfriends (although I'm desperately heterosexual. I've never even been unsure, and how I've wanted to be: it might have explained the no-boyfriends... Ah bah. My shyness gets the better of me, obviously). Oooops... I think I took up half your comment space, and you don't even know me. Sorry, I just... Your friends' kid is so damn lucky for his parents!

nimroddess = verbose

[nimroddess.livejournal.com]

Trying to assign sexual identity to a three year old just seems weird to me. He doesn't have a sexual identity yet. But I don't have children, so I can't possibly understand a parent's intuition. Your friends sound like incredible people. The way they've adapted their parenting style makes my heart happy. I only wish, like you said, that all parents raised all children with the same kinds of messages. I'm sure your friends have thought of this already, but their son will inevitably encounter ignorance and bigotry once he starts going to school. They are going to have to work extra hard to keep up his self-esteem. My parents had gay friends and talked about them with me. They ground it into me that social rules are not rules that necessarily must be followed. Luckily, it stuck. But man, school was fucking harsh sometimes.

As far as getting someone to come out to you, you have to be a little proactive and a lot patient. You can go all your life without saying one word, good or bad, about gay people and the one time you crack a gay joke or call something stupid "gay" or even mention that you think someone might be gay without a huge smile on your face, a gay person will suddenly have reason to fear that you are homophobic. What you've done so far is good - making sure your family member knows you have gay friends and love them. Keep doing that. Bring up your gay friends until you feel like the rest of your family will start to think YOU are gay. Because every time you talk about your friend Mary in a positive light, a little bit of that fear of rejection goes away. And it takes a LOT to be sure you'll be accepted. And even when you're 300% sure the person you want to come out to won't even bat an eyelash, it's still nerve-wracking. And if/when your family member does come out to you, TELL him that you have suspected for a long time and that you have been waiting for him to feel comfortable enough to tell you. Because he will think back to every family get together when you acted as you always have and he'll realize that you KNEW even back then, and you still loved him. That should help prove to him that you will still love him now that he's told you. And he'll recognize that you have his best interest at heart. You waited for him - you were willing to live in limbo for so many years without confronting him about it because your agenda was his happiness, not the latest gossip.

That's the other thing. You actually have to wait for him to feel comfortable enough to tell you. It has to be on his terms. You can't confront him because if he gets defensive then he's trapped in the lie. You can push, but not too hard. For example, one of my roommates wheedled it out of me by saying "I know that if a friend of mine was gay, I would want them to tell me so it would be out in the open." She said it during a conversation which made it abundantly clear that she already knew I was a lesbian, and how could I not tell her after a statement like that? But she kept it hypothetical, which gave me an out if I really wasn't ready to tell her.

[sabrinagb.livejournal.com]

There is a family who has been friends with my family since before I was born...and they have two adopted children (both Korean and they are white). Their son, who has just now started community college, came out to them a handful of years ago. He was able to do so because they were and are wonderfully loving, supportive parents. I only make mention of the varying ethnicities because they raised their children to know that they were loved and special no matter what...and that all people deserve that.

If I ever have children, I know that I will provide them with the freedom and space to come into their own and the support and love for them to be who they are. There is no greater gift.

[ms-mindfunk.livejournal.com]

Becoming a parent is what really led me to think about my attitude about homosexuality, and how tolerant or accepting I really was. I never knew any out gay folks until I was an adult, so it's not like I ever had reason to confront my own prejudices. Once I had kids, I realized that one of them might very well grow up to be gay, and how would I handle that? It was a pretty quick decision that it wouldn't make any difference to me, and that their happiness was what mattered to me. So, I've always tried to use general neutral language, expose them to different kinds of people, allow them their individuality regardless of traditional gender roles, etc. When they ask if they'll get married, I say that I don't know, and that it's ok if they don't. I want them to internalize that all choices are open to them regardless of what anyone else might think.

On top of that, I make a point of telling them that I love them no matter what. When I'm mad, punishing them, yelling, whatever, I always love them. I only hope it sinks in for them, especially on days like this.

[spinfrog.livejournal.com]

Ah, you always pick such good topics! It's pretty tough for a non-hetero-oriented person in our society, because everywhere you go, there are (not so) subtle hints at what everyone should want. Every kids show, movie or cartoon has a het pairing and het characters who are all about getting together with the opposite sex. Hell, when I took my 5 yr old to see Ringling Bros there were SEVERAL het clown acts where the boy clown was flirting etc with the pretty girl acrobat (apparently the other clowns, even the girl ones, wheren't good enough for him).. for some reason, lately, I have been finding these things particularly upsetting :/

[littleroo27.livejournal.com]

that is so very awesome. My boss has a nine year old son whose favorite color right now is pink. Especially hot pink. For christmas I knitted him a hot pink scarf. And my boss takes him with her to get pedicures done. He has pale pink toes right now that are adorable. I love that she is allowing him to express himself as he sees fit. He is not "girly" at all and most likely straight, but I think the way she is raising him could lead to a very wonderful husband and father some day.

[emila-wan.livejournal.com]

I think it's great to give a child unconditional love.

It's also great to teach our children to accept people as they are, even if it's different than the norm.

I would just caution the parents not to inadvertently push the child too far the other direction, though. I had a good friend in college who was an effeminate male. Everybody just assumed he was gay -- he was very cliched: high voice, over-the-top mannerisms, everything. Even his own family assumed it (of course in his case they condemned him for it and ridiculed him). But the truth was, he was not gay. He just ended up hanging around gay people because that was the only group that would accept him just the way he was. Because people tried to put him in a box that didn't fit, he sank into a deep depression and has never really surfaced. He is now 45 and has done nothing with his tremendous artistic talent.

Anyway, I just think people need to know it's okay for a boy to like pink and jewelry AND to be straight! Labeling a toddler, even tentatively, can be harmful. The child needs to develop without the subconscious message that he is "gay." He just is, period. And that is enough.

[whoyouinvent.livejournal.com]

parenting aside, as i have no experience with the raising of children, primarily because i'm 24 and have never had a boyfriend. i've kissed a grand total of 3 guys (the first in my 3rd year of uni) and been on 2 dates. i'm pretty positive i'm straight, but just waiting for the right guy to come along. i think that we are pressured early to get into these 'normal relationships when we have yet to really know who we are as people, which is a shame.

my parents are pretty unconcerned with the whole situation, as we've talked about it and i'm sure they're happy with me being happy on my own. and they also have my married sister to give them grandbabies. if she and i lived in the same city though, she'd be setting me up all the time :-)

[stasia]

Interesting. I find it very interesting that they changed their parenting style - that's very important. I also agree with the person up the comment stream who said something about being friends with gay people being a stronger statement than just having books about the house. Although, books are certainly good.

As for me, and my kid, we have gay members of our family, so my daughter grew up with gay as simply one of the options. I was clear with her when she was very young that people could have sex with members of the same gender... but they could only make babies with members of the opposite gender. (She proceeded to tell her step-sister this, using Barbie as an example. *glee* The step-sister's mother was *HORRIFIED*, but I was, and am, amused.)

My daughter has been active in the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) at her school since 7th grade, and is planning on staying in it until she graduates.

I don't know that I did anything *different*, really, just that I didn't present "gay" as anything besides falling in love with members of the same sex. And that it's just the same as falling for members of the opposite sex.

Um, now I'm rambling, so I'm going to go. Thanks for the thought provoking post.

Stasia

:)

[twilightdeath.livejournal.com]

I wish I had an experience to share but all I can say is that this made me extremely happy. I plan/hope I'll be able to be as wonderful parents as they seem like they are! :)


Thanks for sharing this! :D

[bansheeqwn.livejournal.com]

It's my hope that when I have children, that I'll be able to raise them in an open and loving environment, free of prejudices or misconceptions. My own family's hypocrisy hurts me deeply, especially since my closest friend (who I met by way of my mother and older brother) is gay. I was mortified and ashamed to learn that my own mother asked him and his partner to refrain from any PDA after she invited them to spend Christmas at our house. All because my sister-in-law didn't want her children to be exposed to something that she didn't know how to explain. I couldn't understand - and still don't understand - how she could have a hard time explaining the concept of love between two people to a 5 and 14 year old. My mother and siblings say they're open minded and accepting, but it's pretty obvious that what they says and what they really feels are very different things. We're a very small and close-knit family, and it saddens me to think of what would happen if one of my nieces or nephews were to come out as queer. As much as I love them, I moved away in part to distance myself from their rather discouraging and judgmental attitudes.

[rubymiene.livejournal.com]

I've thought about this even though I'm a ways off from having children. My parents never talked about sex at all. They just turn a blind eye to all LGBTQ issues, and other sex issues. The irony of this is that I ended up learning all my sex ed on the internet, where sexuality wasn't fixed and neither were relationships, and ended up very openminded about sex, gender, and sexuality. Not that I recommend this as a parenting model... But even though I would want my parents to be not so heteronormative, I'm not sure I'd want them to be those parents that are proactive in talking about sex. It's just one of those things that you don't really ever want to discuss in detail with you parents.
On a related note, I took stock of all the ways my child could turn out, and realized that there are a lot of things I would understand, but, as an atheist, I would *freak* if they turned into a Bible-thumping gay-bashing right-wing fundementalist. It's sort of a worst case scenario, but I can't imaging not disinheriting them if I think that the money is going to go to funding some anti-choice referendum, ya know? I guess that's the exact opposite scenario of what evangelicals face when their kid turns out to be gay... I still think they're in the wrong, but it does make you pause.

=))

[bahgeera.livejournal.com]

I TOTALLY support that friend of yours and hope that one day all parents will be like that...

child rearing

[verdenia.livejournal.com]

Super yay for open-minded parents, and extra bonus points for being such when living in an area not known for it.

I'm really glad that my sister and her DH decorated the nursery in yellow and green and nature/animals. ;D
& that they're good friends with the lesbian couple across the street from them!

There are a lot more stories I could tell, really, but I'm not totally comfortable doing it in a public post. I'll let you know if I post something in my own [flocked] journal.

Thanks for another great, thought-provoking post!

[snegurochka_lee]

Late to the party and I'm sure this has already been said, but I wanted to chime in and thank you for a very interesting post, and to point out that even if the child turns out to be the straightest straight man who ever lived (who happens to paint his nails, etc), challenging traditional hetero-masculinity stereotypes is a Good Thing. I admire your friends very much, and wish more families could stop the stereotyping of gender roles (boy = trucks, coveralls, etc).

I'm reminded of the adorable kid on Ugly Betty. I love that kid and his mother to itty bitty pieces for standing up for what he wants to do and be. :)

[lexique.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this post. I am going through something similar with my son. He is 10 years old and both my daughter and I will be surprised if he turns out to be straight. I can't say it is any one thing that has pinged our radar (gaydar?) but my daughter (who is almost 17) came to me a year or so ago and shared her suspicions. When she did, it felt like a puzzle piece fitting into place. Again, who knows...he is still so young.

I don't care one way or another, I just want him to be happy. I'm trying to be conscious of sending out positive messages about all types of relationships. DH is not very accepting of anything outside "normal", so I've been trying to get him to loosen up to the possibility.

I don't want to project our thoughts and make my son, CJ, uncomfortable. But I want him to know that we love him no matter what. It is nice to hear that other parents are going through the same thing.

(Normally I don't talk about family stuff in this lj, I keep most of those posts locked in a different lj).

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

You need to read this post (http://catelin.livejournal.com/179683.html). Seriously. And good luck!

[differente.livejournal.com]

i think your friends are great... :)
concerning stories on the subject... i have a good friend who, when he was a kid, wanted to be a girl and liked to dress as one. he's now very much straight...
on my part, i hated pants when i was young. i liked fluffy skirts and dresses, dolls, ribbons and long hair (okay, i did fight and swore and valued being able to endure pain, but i attribute it to being raised with brothers!) and i'm now gay. however, i wondered for a long time if i had a Y in my genotype... i do feel like a girl now. i like skirts and lingerie and still get on better with guys, though...
hmm, not making much sense, i'm afraid... sorry about that.

[puppydifranco.livejournal.com]

wow... there are 95 comments at this point, and I just dont have time to read thru them right now, although I probably will later... but as for the parents that are promoting the open and accepting environment... this is how ALL parents should be regardless if they have possibly gay children or not... phobias and intollerance are learned behaviours, and they affect much more that people could possibly realize.

If more people were like your friend, and promoted tollerance and understanding, the teenage suicide rate with be dramatically lower, as well as the incidents of hate crimes and generally ass-hatery.

Next time you talk to them, tell them "thank you" for me... something that seems to small, really can help change the world and make it a better place.