On raising a gay child

[emmagrant01]

I had lunch with a friend the other day, and the conversation turned to her kids. And she mentioned very casually that she thinks her 3-year-old son is gay. That struck me as really interesting on a lot of levels, not the least of which is that I have a family member (who has yet to come out to anyone) whom we've all assumed was gay since he was a toddler. (And the signs really still point that direction.)

My friend's son has an older brother and older sister, and he prefers his sister's toys to his brother's. He likes to dress up like a princess, and every time his sister paints her own fingernails and toenails, he wants his painted just like hers. And so on. My friend and her husband are great parents, and want their kids to have the freedom to be whoever they are, and so they haven't discouraged any of his emerging femininity. They've started to collect books that celebrate all kinds of families, and have had talks with their older children about respecting their little brother and letting him make his own choices about what to play with, what to wear, and how to act. They've started talking about how sometimes boys like other boys and it's just the same as liking girls. They are really trying to create a home and family atmosphere in which their son, whether he's gay or not, will feel like he can be himself.

[Edit: Just to clarify, I want to point out that my friend isn't really assuming her child is gay or transgendered or whatever, but that the idea that he might be has led her and her husband to alter their parenting style to accommodate that possibility and be sure all of their children feel like they can be themselves. It's hard to convey in a few sentences how her ideas are based on having spent three years with him and knowing him very, very well, but I can assure you that she isn't basing this idea on a few things that happened recently.]

I was just enthralled by that, because that's exactly how I would like to approach raising children in general, I think. It seems like the best home environment for any child would be one where they feel safe, unconditionally loved, and accepted for who they are. I would also like to be very proactive with my own children (if I ever have any) and teach them to accept all sorts of diversity. I'm not sure how you do that other than being a good example, though.

I've always felt for my above-mentioned relative, who grew up as an only child in a very conservative family and has been getting increasing pressure from his parents because he's never had a girlfriend (he's in his 20s). His dad keeps dropping hints about how much he's looking forward to being a grandfather, and it breaks my heart to see the look on his face when those comments are made. All of us family members close to his age have gone out of our way to make it clear we have gay friends and are accepting and supportive, but he's never said anything. Even my mom has gone out of her way to tell him not to feel like he has to meet his parents' expectations, and to be true to himself. We're all hoping he'll feel comfortable coming out to us at some point.

Anyone out there have any experience to share?

Comments

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

You know, my first sexual experiences were with other girls -- we were about ten and just curious about how touching certain body parts felt good, you know? I was fascinated by the female form until I was about 14 and realized that's not what I was "supposed" to be interested in. In fact, I had a serious mental block about oral sex (receiving) for a long time, because it reminded me that I wasn't exactly "straight".

I've had a few crushes on girls as an adult, but other than that pre-teen experimentation, never really acted on any of them. (Okay, except for that one college party when I got completely drunk and kissed a good friend, who was a bit receptive but then freaked out later.) Of course, I've been in a monogamous relationship for a long time now and hope to be for a long time more, so it's a bit of a moot point these days.

As a result, I've never been able to decide if I can legitimately call myself bisexual or not. But I like the "queer" label, and if anyone forces me to classify myself, that's the one I pick. And I am SO not out to my family. Well, my sister and a few of my cousins know, but it's all fairly theoretical in some ways. :-/

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

Part of what makes being bisexual difficult (in my opinion) is that it's pretty easy to be deceptive about it, to yourself and to other people. I've been with... not NEARLY as many girls as guys, but I would say the number of girls I've been in love with is higher. But I think, you know, before you ever have sex, a lot of people know they're straight or gay. So I think that it's more about what you feel than it is about what you've actually experienced.