Argh.

[emmagrant01]

I am really, really frustrated right now, and I need to vent.



Back in January, I learned that one of the activities at Lumos would be the Magical Night Classes (MNC), in which people could sign up for and attend "Hogwarts" classes on Friday night. They were looking for Professors for the classes, and I thought, "Hey, I could teach Arithmancy!" I'm a math teacher, after all, and I've given lots of workshops for kids on fun things in math. I have a lot of experience teaching people all the fun and cool things they can do with math. And I've always wanted to put together a little workshop on mathematical magic tricks, so this seemed perfect.

So when the call went up, I submitted my proposal. I was under the impression from both the information in the call and personal communications with the organizers that what they were looking for was that people plan a half-hour-long interactive, hands-on workshop for about 25 participants, and then do it four times during the evening. So I submitted my proposal with this in mind. How fantastic, I was thinking -- an opportunity to combine two things I really love: math and fandom. I even toyed with the idea of teaching the class under my real name so I could put this on my CV. (I decided against that pretty quickly, but still.)

So when my proposal was accepted, I was elated. I started planning, and even tried out some of my activities on my students.

And then a couple of months ago, we instructors were told that instead of having classes of 25, we would have classes of 50. Eeep. That upset me, because it meant that my original vision of a workshop was no longer feasible, and that all of the activities I'd developed and tried out in my own classes were now unusable. But I wasn't in the same position as the potions and herbology professors, of course, so I threw out my plans and decided I'd just have to put together a presentation. I was determined to keep it as interactive as possible, so I worked on developing specific activities for a larger group. And I just finished that last night, after doing more research and committing myself to paying for 200 copies of my substantial handout.

And then this morning, I get an email from the MNC director saying that word had come down from the "Minister of Magic" that there would be no caps on the class sizes at all due to popular interest. So I could have as many as 125 people in each of my classes, maybe more if people are willing to stand in the back.

My first thought was, "What the fuck? Am I the only person here who knows anything about teaching?"

And that was about the point where I finally realized that we aren't actually expected to teach anything. This will be "The Hogwarts Show", with the professors as the cast. And as that realization dawned, things people had said they were planning to do and say in their classes came back into my mind, things that hadn't registered before about what their costume would look like and what dialogue they were planning to say and so on. Things that always baffled me, because I had been laboring under the impression that our goal was to actually teach people something. Silly me.

Fuck. Fuckityfuckfuck. I am really NOT happy about this. I'm a teacher, you know? I'm not an actor. I don't want to get on a stage and play a role in front of 125+ people four times. I don't want to put on a costume and pretend to be something I'm not. The very idea of it makes me want to roll my eyes and make that barfy gesture with my finger. If I'd known this was what the MNC were going to be, I would never have submitted a proposal. I wouldn't have been interested, because I'm just not into role-playing. (Nothing against people who are, of course. It's just not my thing and makes me really uncomfortable.)

I must be a complete idiot, though, because this didn't seem to surprise any of the other "professors" in the "cast". No one other than me was planning to actually teach people something, as far as I can tell. And god, I wish I could just throw up my hands and say, "Hey, you know what? I quit. This is really not my thing." But I can't. It's too late. And I'm fucking up a creek, because I have to do something that goes against everything I believe about teaching and learning not once, but four times. I can do that, and I will, but I'm disappointed and frustrated with the whole situation.

At every point, I've expressed my opinion about the changes, and each and every time, the poor MNC director has been unable to make the people above her listen. They don't give a shit, because really, we're putting on a show here. That's all that counts, in the end.

And for the first time, I'm not looking forward to Lumos. Or to teaching math, and that fucking breaks my heart.

Comments

[winnett.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I am so sorry. This sucks on so many levels. I hope it doesn't turn out as bad as you fear, but I understand that it isn't at all what you expected. Plus the class size... how sucky.

And you are not a complete idiot, you just went into this with a different perception than others. You want to teach, they want to perform.

Ugh. All I can suggest is that you do your best, take it with a grain of salt and try to have as much fun as possible, under the circumstances.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I'm just frustrated and disappointed, mostly. My expectations were for something no longer exists. I'll deal with it, of course, but I really needed to vent about it. :-P

[twigged.livejournal.com]

Well if you went into this with an entirely different perspective than the other professors surely your proposal reflected that? I don't think it's unreasonable for you to say that your presentation is no longer suitable due to the new format.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I can make it work; I just resent having to do so again. And I'm disappointed that this has turned out to be something different from what I signed up for. :-(

[zully.livejournal.com]

Have you tried to contact the people above her? It's easier for a higher-up to tell their own staff to go deal with this ornery person than to deal with said person themselves. I say this only beacause I work in an environment where this sort of thing happens on a daily basis. I have to tell my members one thing, then something else, then something else. It's gotten to where I've started saying "Hey, you know what? Here's my bosses's card. If you can get ahold of him/her, I'd be more than willing to back you up."

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

At this point, I'm not sure it would make a difference. I think I'll give it some time and then maybe send a letter to teh "Minister of Magic" just to express my general feelings about it all, but I don't expect anything to change. I'll do what they want me to do, but I'm really not happy about it.

[earth-magic.livejournal.com]

How can they change things like this so close to the deadline? What stupid organisation.

I know you don't want to wear costume or do anything like that, but could you bring some of your teaching ideas into the 'performance'? I'm sure you've had to teach groups of kids who are 'worse' than this and been a star doing it. Try and stick to your guns a little even if you can't make it as good as you'd originally planned.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to dress up and play a part -- I just can't do that and not feel stupid, you know? And I'll make it work, of course. I'm just going to have to take my really cool activities out and basically give a big lecture. Interactivity has gone out the window, unfortunately. :-P

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Cringe-worthy -- yes, exactly.

I'm just going to have to forge ahead and do my own thing, I think. It's all I can do, really.

[inell.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* I'm sorry, hon. That sounds like a total crock and a few other choice words. ♥

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I seem to be the only one who is frustrated with the situation, which sucks. And it makes me feel like an idiot, because I only just now figured out what this has become, you know? :-P

[alafairnadia.livejournal.com]

yuck! that's just silly!

I think you should just IGNORE the whole role playing aspect and do what you'd planned to do for the larger group. honestly, because you're the one wanting to 'teach' something, rather than pretend to be a hogwarts teacher, yours is the only presentation I'm interested in seeing.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I think that's all I can do at this point, you know? I just can't be something I'm not. I have to go into it with the idea that this is a presentation about something. :-P

[furiosity.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. :\ That's a shitty situation to be in.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Blech.

On another topic entirely, do you know of anyone else we could invite to take Miints's place on the crack panel?

[singlewoman.livejournal.com]

I am sooo sorry that all this has turned on you. You have written before how much you were looking forward to teaching. I too think you should go ahead with actually teaching. Yeah, 25 is certainly doable, 50 is a bit over the rop, and 125 is down right scary. But I have faith in you, if anyone can do it, you can.

*Hugs*

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

Yeah, I can do it. I just really wish I didn't have to! :-P

[luahoana.livejournal.com]

As a future maths teacher (rather distant future, but still) I understand what you're feeling.... and I suppose I would have interpreted it the same way, and would now be close to freaking out because of what is actually expected of the 'professors'.
Emma, I hope you'll get through that... without it spoiling Lumos for you too much.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Yeah, this morning I did a huge: 0_o. The last thing I intended to do was write and perfom an one-woman show, you know?

But I'll manage, of course. :-P

[novembersnow.livejournal.com]

So I could have as many as 125 people in each of my classes, maybe more if people are willing to stand in the back.

You should have seen my jaw drop when I read that.

I'm sorry this turned out the way it has. It sounds like you had a really kick-ass presentation planned. But it seems to me that if you're able to incorporate elements from your original plan into whatever you end up doing with your ginormous lecture hall-size classes, your Hogwarts students will be the lucky ones. Who wants to watch someone prance around in a cape pretending to be a professor for half an hour? You're the real deal. ;)

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Of course, I'm assuming people actually want to learn something, and maybe that's a bad assumption. Maybe the majority of people would rather be entertained?

[didi75.livejournal.com]

It seems like they knew you had reservations from the beginning, but have cornered you into doing something you never really intended to do. I think you have grounds to back out, seeing as you're not doing anything related to your original proposal. You could just frame it that way and kindly tell them you don't feel comfortable acting a role. :(

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I feel like the bitchy one here, because at every little change along the way, I've been the one waving my arms and saying, "Hang on a minute!" And it never had an impact, really. I don't want to back out, but I'm not looking forward to the MNC like I was before. :-(

[freckles42.livejournal.com]

I'm annoyed at the last-minute changes, as well, as it shows a complete lack of courtesy or respect for us as professors. All of us had our programmes more or less set by now (like I said on Monday, all of my cards were written out. Now I've got to go and fix a bunch of them). I can only begin to imagine your frustration, as your class format is definitely much more reliant on class size than mine is.

My class, fortunately, is already in lecture format, so little is changing (though I'm taking out some of my question-and-answer interactive bits, *grinds teeth*).

If it makes you feel any better, I have no plans to decorate my area. I plan on teaching - even if it's just a fictional history, I'm still going to treat it like a class. That's another one of the reasons I'm not going as a ghost or anything. (Water Quidditch is just my excuse.)

If you want, I'll bring my baseball bat and we can go break some kneecaps old-school style.

I'm so sorry things turned out like this. :\

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Just to clarify, I don't mean to belittle anyone else's plans for their class. It's just that this has ended up to be something very different from what I thought it was going to be about, and I'm sort of regretting that I signed up in the first place. :-/

[puppydifranco.livejournal.com]

*hugs* sorry sweetie, that really sucks, but I totally understand the coolness that was your original plan... and being passionate about a topic and your desire to share that with others, and for whatever reason, it doesn't work the way you wanted it to.

I had a similar experience just yesterday from the student perspective in my college english class, composition II... I read the assigned reading and totally loved the stories, took notes about things that really stuck in my mind, and wanted to discuss some of the very subtle metaphors that were in the story, I was so excited about going to class that night.... and then I got to class, and instead of discussing the readings like we usually do, we instead got into groups and debated the recent developments in Lebanon... I just sat there for the whole class thinking "what the fuck?!?"

I stayed after class and expressed my frustration to the teacher and she said that others in the class weren't doing the assigned reading therefore the debates we were having in class hadn't had the impact she had wanted, so we wanted to try something else... something that she felt everyone would have an opinion on and would be able to understand boths sides of the arguement... I just sat ther are stared at her... this is an English class, the students are supposed to be doing the reading and they are not, so those of us that are serious about the class are being penalized?

I was just mega-frustrated that I didn't have an opportunity to share my findings and get other peoples reactions about this story.

so, basically, I feel your pain my dear.

*hugs*

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough to talk to your teacher about it, though. From your description, it sounds like she is frustrated with your classmates and was desperate to do something to get people talking to each other. Your telling her that you were disappointed that the discussion wasn't on topic at least let her know that someone in the class really wants to do what she usually does, and that's a good thing for her to hear.

[dorrie6.livejournal.com]

You are being much nicer about this than I would be. Which I suppose is partly why you are a teacher, and I'm not. I really applaud your patience with them, though I wouldn't blame you at all if you told them to shove it. I am so sorry this happened to you.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

LOL! Yeah, well, flexibilty is important in teaching, as I always say. It's not so much that I can't do what they're asking as I don't want to, think it's a really bad idea, and am a bit embarrassed to be associated with the whole thing. :-P

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

ah, babe, I'm really sorry to hear this isn't turning out the way you'd thought. I too think that you should let them know that you were taking this seriously and you feel a bit gobsmacked that it's meant to be a role-playing game.

But this?: makes me want to roll my eyes and make that barfy gesture with my finger.

SO TOTALLY deserves to be iconized!

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

LOL! Yeah, I do need an icon like that!

[moonflower-rose.livejournal.com]

Wow.

I dont even know what to say.

Okay, maybe I can manage a few words.

A)MNC sounds CRAP! I wouldd NEVER go to see that! I bunch of people with no tried and tested acting ability, piss-farting around on stage in home made costumes for 30 minutes? WHAT A FUCKING WANK!

B)I despise people who make plans for something fairly important, and then who drastically change them with little or no notice. Why bother planning at all, really?

You have the patience of a saint.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

A) I don't know if that's what everyone else is going to do, but it was starting to sound like it. I'm wondering what else is even possible in front of 125+ people.

B) Yes, absolutely. I'd have been better off waiting until the last minute. :-P

[yaycoffee.livejournal.com]

Oh, my god! I am so sorry. That is AWFUL, and I am so angry on your behalf, because I KNOW what kind of work goes into a well planned, interactive lesson for people coming from all different backgrounds of expertise. I can only imagine the kind of work you've put in, and I just... MAN! And! You've done it TWICE! Those people SUCK!

I say stick to your original 50 person plan, and let the first come first serve people get to participate. Everyone else can just be along for the ride. Like you said, you are a teacher, not an actor, and it seems like when they accepted you as a professor, they did so because you were planning on teaching something really cool.

*hugs* I'm sorry this has become so... stupid. :-(

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I might just do that to preserve my own sanity. I'm certainly not going to make any more handouts than 200. I'm really not sure what the MoM is thinking on this one. The director of the MNC apparently spent hours arguing with her, to no avail. :-P

[jamoche]

Well, if you make it clear there *will* be *real* math, you might scare some people off and get small classes after all.

(Really big grin here. I minored in math, and the people - well, only women, really - who say "math scares me" just baffle me no end. So "there will be *real* math is an attraction for me. If I wanted roleplaying, I'd go to something more like a CreationCon.)

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

LOL! There you go. ;-)

[pitchblackrose.livejournal.com]

Man, that's just... mindbogglingly sucky >:( And as far from professional as can be.

You've put so much work into this, I'm just awed. Which makes the whole kerfuffle even more ahhrg-worthy.

I'm so sorry, it's awful when something you've been looking forward too suddenly becomes an horrifying chore.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

The more I've thought about it today, the more I've realized that I should just be stubborn and proceed with what I was planning to do in the first place. I'm not going to change what I'm doing, if I can help it.

[tqpannie.livejournal.com]

Ugh! That really sucks!

Hmm...*snorts*

Maybe you could just give the whole class dentention and make them write lines. LOL>

Hey it's dirty job but someone has to do it.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

And I could dress like Umbridge while I'm at it, eh? ;-)

[charlotteschaos.livejournal.com]

You know, I would've assumed they wanted teachers, too, honestly. I wouldn't have assumed... it was a show. I mean... I guess that would kind of work for potions and all because Snape's a developed character... but... er... does anyone know anything about Vector?

Maybe longleggedgit would be willing to fill in? She's an artist and I know she's going. I take it Glockgal can't?

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I haven't asked anyone else yet, because I was hoping for suggestions first. I can ask Glock, if she isn't too terribly busy. :-)

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Yeah, blech. But venting about it helped. I'm feeling better now. Where better means "ready to dig my heels in and be stubborn". ;-)

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

You will pull out a HUGE success by the force of your determination. I am convinced of it.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I hope so. I do feel strongly about this being something people actually learn from, and maybe I can make that happen with a massive group of people. :-P

[glockgal.livejournal.com]

Gyah! Poor you, this sounds so sucky. And I barely even understand what they mean by you not teaching. I thought those midnight classes were gonna be lecturey classes as well...also, I hade not idea that over 500 people were interested in watching a...what? A cast of 'professors' perform...stuff? Pantomime? Antics? What the hell.

I hope the first night is enjoyable. Math still loves you! And fandom loves you too!