Argh.

[emmagrant01]

I am really, really frustrated right now, and I need to vent.



Back in January, I learned that one of the activities at Lumos would be the Magical Night Classes (MNC), in which people could sign up for and attend "Hogwarts" classes on Friday night. They were looking for Professors for the classes, and I thought, "Hey, I could teach Arithmancy!" I'm a math teacher, after all, and I've given lots of workshops for kids on fun things in math. I have a lot of experience teaching people all the fun and cool things they can do with math. And I've always wanted to put together a little workshop on mathematical magic tricks, so this seemed perfect.

So when the call went up, I submitted my proposal. I was under the impression from both the information in the call and personal communications with the organizers that what they were looking for was that people plan a half-hour-long interactive, hands-on workshop for about 25 participants, and then do it four times during the evening. So I submitted my proposal with this in mind. How fantastic, I was thinking -- an opportunity to combine two things I really love: math and fandom. I even toyed with the idea of teaching the class under my real name so I could put this on my CV. (I decided against that pretty quickly, but still.)

So when my proposal was accepted, I was elated. I started planning, and even tried out some of my activities on my students.

And then a couple of months ago, we instructors were told that instead of having classes of 25, we would have classes of 50. Eeep. That upset me, because it meant that my original vision of a workshop was no longer feasible, and that all of the activities I'd developed and tried out in my own classes were now unusable. But I wasn't in the same position as the potions and herbology professors, of course, so I threw out my plans and decided I'd just have to put together a presentation. I was determined to keep it as interactive as possible, so I worked on developing specific activities for a larger group. And I just finished that last night, after doing more research and committing myself to paying for 200 copies of my substantial handout.

And then this morning, I get an email from the MNC director saying that word had come down from the "Minister of Magic" that there would be no caps on the class sizes at all due to popular interest. So I could have as many as 125 people in each of my classes, maybe more if people are willing to stand in the back.

My first thought was, "What the fuck? Am I the only person here who knows anything about teaching?"

And that was about the point where I finally realized that we aren't actually expected to teach anything. This will be "The Hogwarts Show", with the professors as the cast. And as that realization dawned, things people had said they were planning to do and say in their classes came back into my mind, things that hadn't registered before about what their costume would look like and what dialogue they were planning to say and so on. Things that always baffled me, because I had been laboring under the impression that our goal was to actually teach people something. Silly me.

Fuck. Fuckityfuckfuck. I am really NOT happy about this. I'm a teacher, you know? I'm not an actor. I don't want to get on a stage and play a role in front of 125+ people four times. I don't want to put on a costume and pretend to be something I'm not. The very idea of it makes me want to roll my eyes and make that barfy gesture with my finger. If I'd known this was what the MNC were going to be, I would never have submitted a proposal. I wouldn't have been interested, because I'm just not into role-playing. (Nothing against people who are, of course. It's just not my thing and makes me really uncomfortable.)

I must be a complete idiot, though, because this didn't seem to surprise any of the other "professors" in the "cast". No one other than me was planning to actually teach people something, as far as I can tell. And god, I wish I could just throw up my hands and say, "Hey, you know what? I quit. This is really not my thing." But I can't. It's too late. And I'm fucking up a creek, because I have to do something that goes against everything I believe about teaching and learning not once, but four times. I can do that, and I will, but I'm disappointed and frustrated with the whole situation.

At every point, I've expressed my opinion about the changes, and each and every time, the poor MNC director has been unable to make the people above her listen. They don't give a shit, because really, we're putting on a show here. That's all that counts, in the end.

And for the first time, I'm not looking forward to Lumos. Or to teaching math, and that fucking breaks my heart.

Comments

[winnett.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I am so sorry. This sucks on so many levels. I hope it doesn't turn out as bad as you fear, but I understand that it isn't at all what you expected. Plus the class size... how sucky.

And you are not a complete idiot, you just went into this with a different perception than others. You want to teach, they want to perform.

Ugh. All I can suggest is that you do your best, take it with a grain of salt and try to have as much fun as possible, under the circumstances.

[twigged.livejournal.com]

Well if you went into this with an entirely different perspective than the other professors surely your proposal reflected that? I don't think it's unreasonable for you to say that your presentation is no longer suitable due to the new format.

[zully.livejournal.com]

Have you tried to contact the people above her? It's easier for a higher-up to tell their own staff to go deal with this ornery person than to deal with said person themselves. I say this only beacause I work in an environment where this sort of thing happens on a daily basis. I have to tell my members one thing, then something else, then something else. It's gotten to where I've started saying "Hey, you know what? Here's my bosses's card. If you can get ahold of him/her, I'd be more than willing to back you up."

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I'm just frustrated and disappointed, mostly. My expectations were for something no longer exists. I'll deal with it, of course, but I really needed to vent about it. :-P

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I can make it work; I just resent having to do so again. And I'm disappointed that this has turned out to be something different from what I signed up for. :-(

[earth-magic.livejournal.com]

How can they change things like this so close to the deadline? What stupid organisation.

I know you don't want to wear costume or do anything like that, but could you bring some of your teaching ideas into the 'performance'? I'm sure you've had to teach groups of kids who are 'worse' than this and been a star doing it. Try and stick to your guns a little even if you can't make it as good as you'd originally planned.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

At this point, I'm not sure it would make a difference. I think I'll give it some time and then maybe send a letter to teh "Minister of Magic" just to express my general feelings about it all, but I don't expect anything to change. I'll do what they want me to do, but I'm really not happy about it.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to dress up and play a part -- I just can't do that and not feel stupid, you know? And I'll make it work, of course. I'm just going to have to take my really cool activities out and basically give a big lecture. Interactivity has gone out the window, unfortunately. :-P

[zully.livejournal.com]

Well, it can't hurt to try. :) I have that "go down fighting" mentality. Exhaust all your options before fate resignation sets in! Explain that you were told you would be teaching a class, and that the expectations have changed not once, but three times on you. It would be interesting to see their reply, if nothing else.

[inell.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* I'm sorry, hon. That sounds like a total crock and a few other choice words. ♥

[alafairnadia.livejournal.com]

yuck! that's just silly!

I think you should just IGNORE the whole role playing aspect and do what you'd planned to do for the larger group. honestly, because you're the one wanting to 'teach' something, rather than pretend to be a hogwarts teacher, yours is the only presentation I'm interested in seeing.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Cringe-worthy -- yes, exactly.

I'm just going to have to forge ahead and do my own thing, I think. It's all I can do, really.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I seem to be the only one who is frustrated with the situation, which sucks. And it makes me feel like an idiot, because I only just now figured out what this has become, you know? :-P

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I think that's all I can do at this point, you know? I just can't be something I'm not. I have to go into it with the idea that this is a presentation about something. :-P

[furiosity.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. :\ That's a shitty situation to be in.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

And I will probably put my protest on the record. I just need to cool off first. ;-)

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Blech.

On another topic entirely, do you know of anyone else we could invite to take Miints's place on the crack panel?

[singlewoman.livejournal.com]

I am sooo sorry that all this has turned on you. You have written before how much you were looking forward to teaching. I too think you should go ahead with actually teaching. Yeah, 25 is certainly doable, 50 is a bit over the rop, and 125 is down right scary. But I have faith in you, if anyone can do it, you can.

*Hugs*

[luahoana.livejournal.com]

As a future maths teacher (rather distant future, but still) I understand what you're feeling.... and I suppose I would have interpreted it the same way, and would now be close to freaking out because of what is actually expected of the 'professors'.
Emma, I hope you'll get through that... without it spoiling Lumos for you too much.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

Yeah, I can do it. I just really wish I didn't have to! :-P

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Yeah, this morning I did a huge: 0_o. The last thing I intended to do was write and perfom an one-woman show, you know?

But I'll manage, of course. :-P

[furiosity.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I don't! I would have suggested scarah2 but I'm pretty sure she's not going, unless I have her mixed up with somebody else who was originally going to go but now isn't.

[novembersnow.livejournal.com]

So I could have as many as 125 people in each of my classes, maybe more if people are willing to stand in the back.

You should have seen my jaw drop when I read that.

I'm sorry this turned out the way it has. It sounds like you had a really kick-ass presentation planned. But it seems to me that if you're able to incorporate elements from your original plan into whatever you end up doing with your ginormous lecture hall-size classes, your Hogwarts students will be the lucky ones. Who wants to watch someone prance around in a cape pretending to be a professor for half an hour? You're the real deal. ;)

[didi75.livejournal.com]

It seems like they knew you had reservations from the beginning, but have cornered you into doing something you never really intended to do. I think you have grounds to back out, seeing as you're not doing anything related to your original proposal. You could just frame it that way and kindly tell them you don't feel comfortable acting a role. :(

[freckles42.livejournal.com]

I'm annoyed at the last-minute changes, as well, as it shows a complete lack of courtesy or respect for us as professors. All of us had our programmes more or less set by now (like I said on Monday, all of my cards were written out. Now I've got to go and fix a bunch of them). I can only begin to imagine your frustration, as your class format is definitely much more reliant on class size than mine is.

My class, fortunately, is already in lecture format, so little is changing (though I'm taking out some of my question-and-answer interactive bits, *grinds teeth*).

If it makes you feel any better, I have no plans to decorate my area. I plan on teaching - even if it's just a fictional history, I'm still going to treat it like a class. That's another one of the reasons I'm not going as a ghost or anything. (Water Quidditch is just my excuse.)

If you want, I'll bring my baseball bat and we can go break some kneecaps old-school style.

I'm so sorry things turned out like this. :\