A bit more on epithets
Jan. 30th, 2006 10:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emmagrant01As many people have pointed out on ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
painless_j's post on this topic, a well-placed epithet can be used to convey important information about a character. The problem occurs when people do it simply to avoid repeating characters' names or "he" and "his" over and over. The resulting text is cumbersome at best and approaching ridiculous at worst. IMO, this is one of those little things about writing that one learns along the way, just as one grows out of the Mary Sue phase, learns how to use a colon and a semi-colon properly, to show rather than tell, to resist the urge to overuse adverbs, et cetera.
As a disclaimer, I recognize that I have a lot to learn as a writer myself, and I'm not suggesting that I am a great writer who has none of these (or other) problems. I'm still hashing a lot of this out myself, and this is merely my opinion.
I thought it would be fun to use an example to illustrate the point, so here's an excerpt fromanise_anise's gorgeous Open Surrender (used without her permission, but I'm hoping she doesn't mind!):
++
He lifted his head and watched breathlessly as Draco licked his hips, his navel, snuffling against his pubic hair, breathing him in deeply. Draco shifted and settled between his thighs, lifting them each carefully off of the bed and placing them over his shoulders. Harry held his breath as Draco lowered his head, his pink tongue peeking out to lap softly at the base of his tortured cock.
"Fuck," Harry whimpered; his neck strained from holding his head up to watch.
Draco winked at him cheekily and moved down further, licking his balls over and over. He writhed as Draco mouthed his sac, moist lips dancing over the wrinkled flesh. The tongue licked lower still, right behind his balls, slicking across his perineum again and again, boldly sliding over his crevice. Draco's dexterous fingers slipped against his arse cheeks, pushing them gently apart, and Harry felt him shift even lower, hot, damp, breath brushing against his hole. He couldn't be... He wouldn't. It wasn't done.
++
Not an epithet in sight, and it's not one bit confusing who is doing what to whom. In good writing, certain words just sink out of your sight and become part of the background. Your eyes slide over repeated names and and you focus on what's happening in the scene. Notice that Anise is very good at structuring the text so that it's clear who each "he" and "his" refers to. Some writers will say they are fond of using epithets to keep all the he's from getting confusing, but my argument is that if it's confusing, then it's a writing issue, not a pronoun issue. Good writers make that work all the time, as evidenced above. Just like with many things in life, it can be helpful for developing writers (and I consider myself one as well) to read a lot of good writing with an eye toward what makes it good.
Now, consider the same passage, but with some of those names and he's replaced with common epithets:
++
The dark-haired boy lifted his head and watched breathlessly as the blond licked his hips, his navel, snuffling against his pubic hair, breathing him in deeply. The Slytherin seeker shifted and settled between the Gryffindor's thighs, lifting them each carefully off of the bed and placing them over his shoulders. He Boy-Who-Lived held his breath as his childhood nemesis lowered his head, his pink tongue peeking out to lap softly at the base of his tortured cock.
"Fuck," Harry whimpered; his neck strained from holding his head up to watch.
Draco winked at him cheekily and moved down further, licking his balls over and over. The green-eyed boy writhed as the slighter boy mouthed his sac, moist lips dancing over the wrinkled flesh. The tongue licked lower still, right behind his balls, slicking across his perineum again and again, boldly sliding over his crevice. The blond seeker's dexterous fingers slipped against the raven-haired boy's arse cheeks, pushing them gently apart, and Harry felt him shift even lower, hot, damp, breath brushing against his hole. He couldn't be... He wouldn't. It wasn't done.
++
*shudders* My apologies for making you read that.
But see how the epithets ruin the flow of the narrative? Your mind stops to process each one, because in good writing, every word is important, so you can't just pass over this sort of description. But the information in "the blond seeker" is not important. We already know this is a fic about Harry and Draco, so we don't need to be reminded about what they look like or do for fun right now. It isn't telling us anything we need to know in this situation, so it's actually distracting us from what's important in the scene. Even if this were a story with original characters whom we don't know well, this would still not be the best way to convey such information.
And that's my two cents. Or maybe a nickel, heh. I'm so tempted to challenge people to write the worst possible epithet-filled drabbles and post them here, just for fun. :-P
ETA: *spews coffee* Y'all crack me up! :-D
Related links, or It isn't just me -- other people who know a lot about writing share my opinion:
Banishing the Wild Epithet (great essay!)
Turkey City Lexicon (scroll down to "Burly Detective Syndrome")
painless_j's post on this topic, a well-placed epithet can be used to convey important information about a character. The problem occurs when people do it simply to avoid repeating characters' names or "he" and "his" over and over. The resulting text is cumbersome at best and approaching ridiculous at worst. IMO, this is one of those little things about writing that one learns along the way, just as one grows out of the Mary Sue phase, learns how to use a colon and a semi-colon properly, to show rather than tell, to resist the urge to overuse adverbs, et cetera. As a disclaimer, I recognize that I have a lot to learn as a writer myself, and I'm not suggesting that I am a great writer who has none of these (or other) problems. I'm still hashing a lot of this out myself, and this is merely my opinion.
I thought it would be fun to use an example to illustrate the point, so here's an excerpt from
anise_anise's gorgeous Open Surrender (used without her permission, but I'm hoping she doesn't mind!):++
He lifted his head and watched breathlessly as Draco licked his hips, his navel, snuffling against his pubic hair, breathing him in deeply. Draco shifted and settled between his thighs, lifting them each carefully off of the bed and placing them over his shoulders. Harry held his breath as Draco lowered his head, his pink tongue peeking out to lap softly at the base of his tortured cock.
"Fuck," Harry whimpered; his neck strained from holding his head up to watch.
Draco winked at him cheekily and moved down further, licking his balls over and over. He writhed as Draco mouthed his sac, moist lips dancing over the wrinkled flesh. The tongue licked lower still, right behind his balls, slicking across his perineum again and again, boldly sliding over his crevice. Draco's dexterous fingers slipped against his arse cheeks, pushing them gently apart, and Harry felt him shift even lower, hot, damp, breath brushing against his hole. He couldn't be... He wouldn't. It wasn't done.
++
Not an epithet in sight, and it's not one bit confusing who is doing what to whom. In good writing, certain words just sink out of your sight and become part of the background. Your eyes slide over repeated names and and you focus on what's happening in the scene. Notice that Anise is very good at structuring the text so that it's clear who each "he" and "his" refers to. Some writers will say they are fond of using epithets to keep all the he's from getting confusing, but my argument is that if it's confusing, then it's a writing issue, not a pronoun issue. Good writers make that work all the time, as evidenced above. Just like with many things in life, it can be helpful for developing writers (and I consider myself one as well) to read a lot of good writing with an eye toward what makes it good.
Now, consider the same passage, but with some of those names and he's replaced with common epithets:
++
The dark-haired boy lifted his head and watched breathlessly as the blond licked his hips, his navel, snuffling against his pubic hair, breathing him in deeply. The Slytherin seeker shifted and settled between the Gryffindor's thighs, lifting them each carefully off of the bed and placing them over his shoulders. He Boy-Who-Lived held his breath as his childhood nemesis lowered his head, his pink tongue peeking out to lap softly at the base of his tortured cock.
"Fuck," Harry whimpered; his neck strained from holding his head up to watch.
Draco winked at him cheekily and moved down further, licking his balls over and over. The green-eyed boy writhed as the slighter boy mouthed his sac, moist lips dancing over the wrinkled flesh. The tongue licked lower still, right behind his balls, slicking across his perineum again and again, boldly sliding over his crevice. The blond seeker's dexterous fingers slipped against the raven-haired boy's arse cheeks, pushing them gently apart, and Harry felt him shift even lower, hot, damp, breath brushing against his hole. He couldn't be... He wouldn't. It wasn't done.
++
*shudders* My apologies for making you read that.
But see how the epithets ruin the flow of the narrative? Your mind stops to process each one, because in good writing, every word is important, so you can't just pass over this sort of description. But the information in "the blond seeker" is not important. We already know this is a fic about Harry and Draco, so we don't need to be reminded about what they look like or do for fun right now. It isn't telling us anything we need to know in this situation, so it's actually distracting us from what's important in the scene. Even if this were a story with original characters whom we don't know well, this would still not be the best way to convey such information.
And that's my two cents. Or maybe a nickel, heh. I'm so tempted to challenge people to write the worst possible epithet-filled drabbles and post them here, just for fun. :-P
ETA: *spews coffee* Y'all crack me up! :-D
Related links, or It isn't just me -- other people who know a lot about writing share my opinion:
Banishing the Wild Epithet (great essay!)
Turkey City Lexicon (scroll down to "Burly Detective Syndrome")
Very confused.
Date: 2006-01-31 02:01 am (UTC)I know that green eyes are not silver eyes, but who is silver skin and who is golden skin, who is the Slytherin, who is the Gryffindor, whose eyes match whose robe, does the carpet match the drapes (is that blond a real blond?), we have a Seeker and Quidditch-hardened muscles and Quidditch-roughened hands -- is that the whole team in there? -- and goodness gracious, if Tonks showed up, I wouldn't be able to tell if I was supposed to be lusting after the pink-haired woman, the Metamorphomagus, the lithe Auror, Nymphadora, the gorgeous girl, Tonks, the Slytherin Seeker's cousin, or what.
It's like one of those logic puzzles that I played with in school when I was a very little girl, especially if I've never read the canon.
I don't mind an epithet puzzle half so much if it's not in the middle of a hot sex scene. I can figure it out, given time. But there are better ways to do it, like the above-mentioned "Harry looked at his rival. Draco glared back at him." One epithet per paragraph or block of dialog/interaction is the high maximum concentration I'd recommend.
Chaining epithets together is something else I advise against. "Harry looked at Draco. His rival glared back. 'You'll stop this if you know what's good for you!' the Slytherin hissed." Draco = rival = Slytherin won't always leave people remembering that Draco = Slytherin.
Doing any extensive description in fast-paced choreography is a bad plan. This goes for fights and hard fucking both. If it should start out with a bang, make it an unambiguous, well-blocked bang. I will draw maps of the room I'm doing things in and move my characters around on it, and see where they're walking and what they're interacting with as I run them through their lines. I come at writing from a strength in dialog and a slight theatre background, and write the lines beforehand and then fill in. If the fast action needs to happen first, put it there, and then fill in the obvious questions after, not during, the hard & fast action.