Deconstructing gay porn

I was going through a drawer last night and came across an issue of Manscape, a little gay porn magazine full of short erotic stories, clearly intended to be held in one hand (aka a "jackoff mag"). It was a souvenir from a slash get-together a couple of years ago, during which we all read excerpts of the stories for entertainment.

And in case you've never read this sort of thing (and some of you might not have), let me just say that it can be highly entertaining. Here's a sample excerpt. ( As a warning, you might want to set any food or beverages aside. Oh, and explicit content, duh. )

Okay, that's probably enough of that. The thing that amazes me about this story (and believe me, it's pretty typical of the ones in the issue I've got) is that despite the fact that the writing is twelve kinds of bad, it got published. I mean, someone got paid to write that schlock! I'm sure many people who bought the magazine read it and found it incredibly hot, but it leaves me giggling and cringing. It's fine, technically -- the grammar, spelling, and punctuation are correct for the most part. Yet, it's terrible writing.

So let's take this as an exercise, then. What would you say it is that makes this an example of bad writing? If someone sent this to you to beta, what concrit would you give them? Why is it so terribly cringe-worthy?

This is kinda funny, actually

You know what makes me go 0_o about all of this slash-bashing (on a post that is now locked, apparently *coughs*)?

We're arguing about fictional characters. Who never existed. Who aren't, you know, real people. Who gives a fuck what someone who does not exist does or doesn't do in bed? My fantasies are my fantasies, and I don't have to justify them to anyone.

That said, people have the right to have opinions different than mine, and even, lo, to express them on their journals. But to bitch about how slash fic is OOC?

To quote Hermione, "Oh, well spotted!" Slap me with a fish and call me Elmo, because I would never have realized how horribly OOC my characters are without someone pointing that little detail out. You mean, they don't actually blow each other in the broom shed? My god, what have we done??? *eye roll*

Of course it's fucking OOC. I made Harry and Draco GAY, for fuck's sake. I have actually read the books, and I did indeed note the distinct lack of buttsex in them. I recognize that the characters are not now, and probably never will be, gay in canon. Or even bisexual. And do I give a shit? That would be a no, because I'm not in fandom to write stories that "flesh out canon". People can do that if they want, and more power to them, but me? I'm here for the slash, basically. I'm all about Teh Gay, as are most of the people reading this, I imagine.

And I really don't care what other people think, ya know? I'm a slasher. I don't freak out when my ship is sunk, or when one of my OTP is killed. I live in my own little slashy fandom world, and I like it that way. It's nicer here. And we have better icons. So there.

Note: You know, I've written quite a lot of het, so this shouldn't be interpreted as a het vs. slash thing at all. It's about me boggling at someone throwing what they think is an insult at the whole slash genre -- when its OOCness is something I actually embrace. Go figure. :-P

ETA: son_of_darkness even made a comic about it, hee!