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Apr. 11th, 2006 10:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emmagrant01Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with fandom. It's about something that drives me nuts about some people in RL, and while it's definitely based on recent events, it's not something any of y'all did.
Why is it that some people don't know how to listen? I'm not talking about listening to instructions or anything like that. I mean, when you're going through a bad time and just need to vent to someone, why do some people take it upon themselves to try to fix whatever your problem is or cheer you up?
I'm basically a cheerful, optimistic person, but I have my moments of frustration. When I do, I would really like to just vent about them and say, "Argh, this sucks and it's not fair!" What I do not need at that moment is a happy little Mary Sunshine saying, "Oh, cheer up! Things will work out, I just know it!"
Fuck you, Mary Sunshine. You're missing my point entirely. If I really believed that, I wouldn't need to be ranting about it, would I? When you tell me that I'm wrong to be worried and distressed, you're basically saying I'm an idiot who has no clue about the situation I'm in. Not true. I do know, and what's more, I know a hell of a lot more about it than you do. It's a complex situation with details you haven't even thought of. So fuck off.
Other people don't take the cheery route, but instead think they can fix it for you. They have an answer to your problem, no matter how bad, and it usually involves something you should have done or ought to do now that s/he would have/has done in this situation. If you argue back or try to point out how your situation is different, or that perhaps they might not have all the information, they just keep coming up with even more outlandish solutions to your problem. Often, these are things I have already tried or considered, but for one reason or another they didn't help. Individuals who do this never seem to assume I have considered these options at all, and they jump at the chance to enlighten me.
So the thing I would dearly love to say to those folks (but never do) is this: I didn't come here to ask you for advice. If I wanted you to help me fix my problem, I would've said that. What I wanted was just to vent about it, and you offering "helpful" suggestions just makes me feel worse, because what you're basically saying is that I'm so incompetent that I can't handle this situation myself and need your help. I don't need your help. Perhaps no one can really help me at this point, and I'm just struggling to find a way through this on my own. Kindly fuck off and go try to fix somebody else's problems.
So here's my point: when someone vents or rants about something to you, it is generally not a cry for help. It doesn't mean that your duty as a friend/parent/sister/lover is to try to "fix" it for them. I know you mean well, but really, it doesn't help.
You know what you can really do to help? Sit there. Listen. Nod your head. Say stuff like, "Oh, shit, that really sucks" and "Wow, I don't know what I'd do in that situation either" and "I can totally understand why you're frustrated and angry about this, because I would be too." And then let them talk some more, until they decide they've vented enough and feel better.
And that's all you need to do. Seriously.
Why is it that some people don't know how to listen? I'm not talking about listening to instructions or anything like that. I mean, when you're going through a bad time and just need to vent to someone, why do some people take it upon themselves to try to fix whatever your problem is or cheer you up?
I'm basically a cheerful, optimistic person, but I have my moments of frustration. When I do, I would really like to just vent about them and say, "Argh, this sucks and it's not fair!" What I do not need at that moment is a happy little Mary Sunshine saying, "Oh, cheer up! Things will work out, I just know it!"
Fuck you, Mary Sunshine. You're missing my point entirely. If I really believed that, I wouldn't need to be ranting about it, would I? When you tell me that I'm wrong to be worried and distressed, you're basically saying I'm an idiot who has no clue about the situation I'm in. Not true. I do know, and what's more, I know a hell of a lot more about it than you do. It's a complex situation with details you haven't even thought of. So fuck off.
Other people don't take the cheery route, but instead think they can fix it for you. They have an answer to your problem, no matter how bad, and it usually involves something you should have done or ought to do now that s/he would have/has done in this situation. If you argue back or try to point out how your situation is different, or that perhaps they might not have all the information, they just keep coming up with even more outlandish solutions to your problem. Often, these are things I have already tried or considered, but for one reason or another they didn't help. Individuals who do this never seem to assume I have considered these options at all, and they jump at the chance to enlighten me.
So the thing I would dearly love to say to those folks (but never do) is this: I didn't come here to ask you for advice. If I wanted you to help me fix my problem, I would've said that. What I wanted was just to vent about it, and you offering "helpful" suggestions just makes me feel worse, because what you're basically saying is that I'm so incompetent that I can't handle this situation myself and need your help. I don't need your help. Perhaps no one can really help me at this point, and I'm just struggling to find a way through this on my own. Kindly fuck off and go try to fix somebody else's problems.
So here's my point: when someone vents or rants about something to you, it is generally not a cry for help. It doesn't mean that your duty as a friend/parent/sister/lover is to try to "fix" it for them. I know you mean well, but really, it doesn't help.
You know what you can really do to help? Sit there. Listen. Nod your head. Say stuff like, "Oh, shit, that really sucks" and "Wow, I don't know what I'd do in that situation either" and "I can totally understand why you're frustrated and angry about this, because I would be too." And then let them talk some more, until they decide they've vented enough and feel better.
And that's all you need to do. Seriously.
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Date: 2006-04-11 06:52 pm (UTC)But you forgot one group of people: The one's who say that your problems are pretty much non-existent next to theirs, which may be true, but that does not make your problems less important. It just makes you feel bad because you feel bad about them.
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Date: 2006-04-11 06:54 pm (UTC)