Badfic blues

[emmagrant01]

Have you ever read the summary of a newly-posted fic, and thought it sounded like something you would like, only to be disappointed almost immediately? Like, in the first line?

This just happened to me ten seconds ago. I feel terrible about it, but ya know, if the fic contains a blatant grammatical error or misspelling in the very first line, it just shuts me down. I can't read on. Yeah, I know it's my loss, and that the fic might be great if I just overlooked that one error, but it says something to me about what I might find in the fic in general. My fandom time is limited, and it's my choice how to spend it. Why should I force myself to read fic that annoys me?


Other things that turn me off:
• Four paragraphs of backstory before there's any hint as to what the story is about.
• Excessive use of terms like "the blond" or "the Gryffindor".
• Unnecessary description in general. I don't need to know the details of what each character is wearing unless it's important for the story. Really.
• Song lyrics incorporated into the text of the story. Just... no.
• First-time sex followed by an immediate declaration of eternal love. *vomits*
• First-time sex that is perfect, complete with simultaneous orgasms. (Or maybe the author knows something I don't?)

So what does it for you? What will make you stop reading a fic and hit the back button as fast as you can?

ETA: Y'all really needed to get this shit out of your systems, didn't you? *grins*

Comments

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

Mpreg. It's so wrong that if I get started I will have a stroke.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I haven't read much of it, but I occasionally hear people list off fics in which it was done plausibly. I have friends on another fandom who wrote an mpreg fic in which the guy's reaction to finding out he was pregnant was "WTF? Get it OUT!" I thought that was pretty cool, actually.

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

I think what squicks me about it is that in most cases it seems like it's a backdoor way of writing slash but not having men be men. I almost see it as homophobic. Like when the issue of gay marriage came up and I read several posts about how it was okay to make these guys do explicit sexual acts in fiction, but the idea of guys wanting to legitimize their relationships in the eyes of the law was wrong. WTF?

Why can't they just fuck the stuffing out of each other without impersonating women and there by not really making it slash. They're sort of females with dicks.

Just my take on it, but I agree that a talented writer could make it work but ONLY if it were written in a parody. Says the woman who writes about the wank olympics. As if I have ANY credibility left :D.

[silentauror.livejournal.com]

I am so absolutely in this boat. Mpreg makes me wants to spork my eyes out with the nearest blunt object, unless it's in a parody or something. Or unless it's Amanuensis. :) I was sooo horrified tonight upon discovering a new review for my current long fic (On the Wings of the Storm) at skyehawke, asking if Harry was pregnant. And if he wasn't, to pleasepleaseplease consider it. I was already in a pissy mood, and this did not help. I sent the reviewer as nice a response as I could muster, and basically said as kindly as possible that (in mine and biology's humble opinions, at least) the right to bear children belongs to women, plzthnx, and that mpreg is the vilest thing ever. *shakes head*

I agree wholeheartedly with the women-with-dicks thing. I think it's also another form of chauvinism - if you don't even need women to pump out the kids, then we can do away with them altogether. I'm all for gay men, believe you me. But this - ??? No.

PS: Stop bad-mouthing the wank olympics, you! One of my favourite fics ever!!! :)

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

You know, I also think that from a purely tension generating issue, WHY IN THE HELL would you miss an opportunity to have major angst between Harry and Draco? For Harry to become pregnant (or, oh my god, I am going to be sick, DRACO?), removes all the issues of primogeniture that Draco has to confront. I know that a lot of people skip around that by having Draco reject his family, but I just can't buy that. This is one dude who if he didn't get the Dark Mark would have his Coat of Arms tatooed on his forearm instead. The WHOLE Malfoy gestalt, the pureblood bullshit is about preserving his line, the concept of lineage. This is MAJOR shit and to make Harry a happy housewife blows a perfect opportunity for angst. Aside from the issue of gay bashing.

I do have to admit that amanuensis could write anything and I'd eat it up, and Icarus has a mpreg thing with Draco and Ron (actually to beget a male heir) that's okay (I can swallow that because the writing's good), but on the whole I see it as an excuse to make one of them the pseudo wife. I know that I've written before that the majority of us write romance with dicks, but I do think there is something fundamentally wrong by neuturing one member of the duo by making him pregnant. It's denying his maleness.

Which I think is a major crime. Am here for the dicks don't you know?

And vis-a-vis Champions. Yeah, I have a big soft spot in my heart for it, as well, but you wouldn't BELIEVE the amount of email I got when I posted the first chapter. All of it along the lines of how (a) twisted it was; (b) how much they liked it; (c) how surprised they were that I was that twisted: and (d) when was I going to write some more? Which surprised the shit out of me because I thought, here I am reading about anal sex, rimming, bondage, spanking, and no one bats an eyelid. Have some boys wanking off together, however...I think it's because I have a son. Bodily functions of ALL kinds loom large in his life. At this point it's limited to mainly bathroom jokes, but puberty is just around the corner.

Oh, one more thing. The mpreg thing and your reviewer. You know, she just wants a happy ending and for her it's the more traditional baby makes three thing. For me, it's obviously Harry and Draco going at each other like wildebeests in heat, but that's my poison.

[silentauror.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know the reviewer only meant well. I do. I just - gah! You know? I swear I tried to be nice. :) That is odd, about people's reactions to the public wank deal. I guess it's kind of kinky (and something women just don't really do, much less admit it!) - but hello, rimming???? Not to mention chan! Or all the Uncle Vernon rape fics floating around especially at ff.netmen, too. :)

For me, it's obviously Harry and Draco going at each other like wildebeests in heat, but that's my poison. - Ha ha, mine, too! :)