You might be a prostitute.

[emmagrant01]

In a flocked post, someone on my flist posted a funny picture that inspired me to attempt humor. Not satisfied with merely embarrassing myself under flock, I felt compelled to inflict it upon all of you. At least I have the courtesy of cutting it, right? ;-)

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy:

If dressing for work involves donning both spandex and fake fur... you might be a prostitute.

If you wear so much make-up that people think you're a drag queen (and you're a woman)... you might be a prostitute.

If 80% of your income goes to a man who wears more gold chains than a 70s porn star... you might be a prostitute.

If you can run a mile from the cops, in five-inch heels and a miniskirt after snorting an 8-ball... you might be a prostitute.

If you show bare snatch in public and aren't hanging out with Paris Hilton... you might be a prostitute.

If you own more wigs than Dolly Parton and wear a different one out every night "on the job"... you might be a prostitute.

If you refer to meeting up with ten different guys in one night as "dating"... you might be a prostitute.

If you have a fully punched frequent customer card at the free clinic on the basis of STD testing alone... you might be a prostitute.

If you buy condoms at Costco...you might be a prostitute.

If you know all the vice cops on a first-name basis... you might be a prostitute.

If you think "Pretty Woman" was based on a true story... you might be a prostitute.

If a guy asks you to do something distasteful in bed and your response is "that's extra"... you might be a prostitute.

If you can spot any STD on sight and have no medical training whatsoever... you might be a prostitute.

If every date starts with you asking the guy, "Are you a cop?"... you might be a prostitute.

If you think leopard print spandex hot pants are in style... you might be a prostitute.

If your "man" calls you a "ho" and takes your hard-earned cash to buy himself crack... you might be oh, hell -- you're a prostitute!

My sincere apologies to any prostitutes I may have offended in this lame attempt at humor.

There's a reason I'm not a comedian... :-P

Give me V-Day love?

Comments

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

*snort* those are great! (psst, Parton)

I love the STD one and the Costco one!

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

LOL, I couldn't remember if it was Pardon or Parton. I could've googled it, I suppose. *is lazy* I think I always pronounce it as if it were a "d", oddly.

:-D

Yeah, but...

[melody2tds.livejournal.com]

What if I happend to like cops, and take safe sex EXTREMELY seriously?

Re: Yeah, but...

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

You might be a prostitute. It would be within the realm of possibility, no? ;-)

Re: Yeah, but...

[melody2tds.livejournal.com]

If I were, I'm sure I would have a good bit more money. I've been told my bedroom skills are more than up to par, and I have a particularly strong kinky side.
Perhaps I should look into freelance, but until then, I'll have to stick to my men in uniform, and keep myself out of trouble. ;D

[brightsun301.livejournal.com]

"If you think "Pretty Woman" was based on a true story..."

Oh snap.. y'mean it's not? *pout* ;)

[primroseburrows.livejournal.com]

*icon love* 'Puffs Unite! *high-fives*

[meredyth-13.livejournal.com]

*throws out her leopard print spandex hot pants*

:D

Thank you for the great laugh!

[shadowpryde.livejournal.com]

*catches Mere's leopard print spandex hot pants*

I have no idea what I'll do with them. Maybe make an alter cloth? {giggles}

-DL-

[meredyth-13.livejournal.com]

HAHAHA!

The Church of the Holy Spandex... OMG, that rocks!

Of course, they may be holey spandex, but that still works.

You nutter! *glomps*

Nice to see you laughing, sweetness.

[dramedy.livejournal.com]

LOL, that' a lot better than the redneck ones. :D

[primroseburrows.livejournal.com]

At first glance, I thought this said, "You might be a parasite if..."

Condoms from Costco are economical, y0. :)

[grey-hunter.livejournal.com]

hehe
... even more gold chains than Mr T?

[cleverthylacine]

I meant to tell you this is awesome.

[bubblebee.livejournal.com]

Something amusing that happened in Queensland, Australia's parliament that is... sorta? relevant to your post :)

(Premier is the Governor of the state)

Queensland news

[verdenia.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's awesome. Thanks for linking!

[acromantular.livejournal.com]

Lovely!
Why aren't MY elected representatives as entertaining?

[verdenia.livejournal.com]

Heh. I do rather like fake fur...but not spandex! *shudders* That is so 80s! ;P

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

If every date starts with you asking the guy, "Are you a cop?"... you might be a prostitute.

That one made me laugh the hardest, I think! :D

[dreambastion.livejournal.com]

Those are pretty damn funny :D

[shadowpryde.livejournal.com]

D'oh! Funny, yes. More amusing when you realize the answer to three of these is yes. (Wonders if perhaps phone-sex job of four years may have influenced me.) *headdesk*

-DL-

[dustbunnies710.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha,
I loved these =]

If 80% of your income goes to a man who wears more gold chains than a 70s porn star
^This one was my favorite.

I also especially loved that you apologized to prostitutes at the end of your post lol, you're so cute.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Tongue is firmly in cheek, though some seem oblivious to that fact. ;-)

[voldemortsjihad.livejournal.com]

If you think "Pretty Woman" was based on a true story... you might be a prostitute.

I don't get this one. You might be a stupid person who knows nothing about prostitution but i doubt you would be a prostitute...

I used to work at a drop-in center for prostituted women.. Most of these were not funny...

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

LOL -- I'm surprised it took so long to get flamed for this! I was expecting a much more immediate negative reaction. Perhaps my flist has more of a sense of humor than I thought, though. :-D

[voldemortsjihad.livejournal.com]

that was pretty tame for a flame :P i wasn't calling you stupid, i meant you as in one..