Crack drabbles!
Apr. 9th, 2007 08:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emmagrant01Okay, I feel like writing some crack, and I'm hoping some of y'all will help me. So, please comment with a pairing, fandom, and a cracktastic prompt, and I'll do my best to write you a drabble. I'll probably take the first ten, and after that I will most likely stop. Fandoms: Star Wars (all 6 episodes and EU to the extent I know it), Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, Friday Night Lights, Star Trek (TOS, TNG, Voyager). Pairings: Any -- het, slash, whatever.
Edit: Wow, that was quick! I have ten, but if you want to leave yours anyway, go ahead. Anyone who wants to write one of the extras shall be rewarded! ;-)
~*~*~*~*~
So here's what I came up with. And these are probably more ficlets than drabbles, as they range from 200-500 words.
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sonofdarkness requested: Harry Potter/Angel and/or Buffy Crossover. Draco meets Spike. Spike takes the absolute piss out of Draco for being such an obvious ponce.
Note: This is probably not what you had in mind, but it's what came out of my fingers. ;-)
+++
Spike slammed back the last of the whiskey and pushed to his feet. It was late -- or rather, it was early. So early that it the sun might rise soon, and wouldn't that just be the cherry on top of his fucktastic night? He waded through the other drunks, shoving his way toward the door.
"Hey!"
He turned to see one of the drunks glaring at him. He vamped -- it usually got wankers off his case -- and snarled, menacingly.
The drunk rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. Like you'd bite someone in public."
Spike snarled again and pushed the boy back until he felt him hit a solid wall. "Want to bet?"
"Spike, it's me. Draco."
Spike forced his eyes to focus. Sure enough, it was that poncy little brat of Lucius Malfoy's. "Oh, fuck no."
"Fuck, yes." Draco's beady eyes lit up.
Lucius Malfoy was an admirable man, Spike had always thought. Cruel, cold-blooded, evil. Spike liked that in a person. Draco, however, was a sycophantic little shit who sucked up to everyone. Spike knew about the sucking part first hand.
"Fuck, no," Spike repeated. "Aren't you supposed to be off sucking your Dark Lord's dick or something?"
Draco smiled. "Been there, done that. Besides, it's my night off." His arms slithered around Spike's waist. "Want to Lord some of your Dark over me tonight?"
Spike scowled. He despised having sex with wizards as a rule. Other vampires, demons, humans, and even the occasional troll, sure -- but wizards were so full of themselves, always trying to use "magical lube" and such shite. He glared at Draco.
"Can I bite you?
"Sure."
Spike shrugged. "All right then."
~*~*~*~*~
dm_p requested: Harry/Draco, weird stuff sold on eBay.
+++
Harry stared at the computer screen for nearly a full minute before he could manage to open his mouth.
"Draco?"
"Yeah?" a sleepy voice asked from somewhere near the sofa.
"Would you happen to know who PureBlood1980 is?"
There was a moment of silence, followed by a meek, "Sorry?"
"Pureblood1980. On eBay."
"No. Why?"
Harry turned to glare at him. "Because he's apparently selling locks of my hair."
"How odd," Draco replied, fake-stifling a yawn. "He must be a deranged fan."
Harry's eyes narrowed. "Locks of my pubic hair."
Draco paled a bit. "That's... very odd."
"You know what else is very odd?"
"What?"
"That you got me drunk and convinced me to let you shave me the other night."
Draco squirmed a bit. "What a coincidence."
Harry glared at him a moment longer, and then turned back to the computer screen. "The high bid is 300 pounds."
"Really?" Draco was off the sofa and behind his shoulder in an instant.
Harry swallowed a grin. "You'd better be planning to buy me a very nice gift."
~*~*~*~*~
neotoma requested: Luke, Obi-Wan, or Qui-Gon. gen. "It might be Bunnies!"
Note: This one also went in a different direction than the requester probably intended...
+++
Obi-Wan sank to his knees in the cool darkness of his adobe hut, and reached out to the Force for guidance.
"Master Qui-Gon, I need your help."
He waited several moments, and finally a blue-tinted vision appeared before him. "What is it now, Obi-Wan? I was busy playing holo-chess with Mace Windu, and he cheats when I have to materialize to this plane of existence for more than a minute."
"I am sorry, Master, but it's of grave importance. It's about Anakin's son, Luke."
Qui-Gon's brow furrowed. "Is something wrong?"
Obi-Wan was sure the pain was visible on his face. "Yes, Master. It's... how do I put this? He's a bit of a... wuss."
"A wuss?" Qui-Gon blinked at him. "Obi-Wan, I'm afraid I don't follow you."
"He's just not Jedi material. Anakin's son he may be, but this is not the Chosen One who'll bring balance to the Force, I can assure you."
"Padawan, I think your failure with the father is clouding your judgment of the son."
"No, it isn't. Luke whines constantly, about everything. He's overly concerned about what his friends think of him, and whether his hair is feathered just right, and lives in deathly fear of getting his white tunics dirty."
Qui-Gon frowned. "Would he be open to wearing black? It was rather fetching on his father."
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "In this heat? You haven't been to Tattooine in a while, have you? Anyway, I've tried to convince him to wear khaki, or something darker, but no. He has those knee-high white boots that match, so you know, he won't give up the white."
Qui-Gon sighed. "Obi-Wan, it isn't impossible for a good Jedi to have some fashion sense."
"He screams at the sight of bugs. He sleeps with a night light and a teddy bear. He's afraid of bunnies, Qui!"
"They can be vicious."
"You're not going to help me out here, are you?"
"You made your own bed with all of this Anakin shit, you know. Now you have to lie in it."
Obi-Wan swallowed a grimace. "What if I were to travel to Alderaan, to train the girl instead?"
"Out of the question."
"That's a bit sexist, don't you think? She could be the one in the Prophecy. There have been many great female--"
Qui-Gon snorted. "Don't think I don't know your true motive, my aging Padawan. Senator Bail Organa was quite the hottie in his day, and I'm sure there'd be fringe benefits to tutoring his little princess in the ways of the Force."
Obi-Wan blushed, and wondered how Qui-Gon knew about that particular fantasy. "Master, no! I feel the Force pulling me towards Alderaan."
"It's the pull of something in your trousers you're thinking of," Qui-Gon retorted. "I'm sure Tattooine sucks and all, but this is the will of the Force. Deal with it." And with that, his image faded away.
Obi-Wan gritted his teeth. "Bastard."
~*~*~*~*~
bethbethbeth requested: Harry, Buffy, and Luke: considering whether they should go on strike.
+++
Buffy leaned back in her chair and took a sip from her wine cooler bottle. "So I was thinking..."
"Imagine that," Harry muttered. Luke snickered, but looked abashed when Buffy shot him a glare.
"That we should go on strike," she continued, tossing her hair over her shoulder.
"On strike?" Luke's eyes narrowed through the steam rising from his mug of muja-flavored tea. "Are you serious?"
Buffy rolled her eyes and turned to Harry, whose forehead was furrowed in thought. "Do you really think it will work?"
"No," Buffy replied with a snort. "But if I get paired with Spike or Angel one more time, I'm going to hurl."
Luke snorted. "At least you don't have hordes of profic writers creating a new girlfriend for you every book, and getting into ship wars over it."
Harry winced. "Can we not talk about ship wars, just this once?"
"Oh, please," Buffy said. "People slash you with half the characters in your books. My show is full of hot girls, but where's the femmeslash?"
"Hello, Faith?" Luke offered. "Willow? Anya? You get slashed. All I get is Han, who's beyond straight, and maybe the occasional Obi-Wan fic. And not the cute young Ewan version of him, mind you, but the old wrinkly version, who's like 50 years older than me." He shuddered.
"Which brings me back to the point," Buffy continued. "We go on strike. No muses, no new canon, no nothing until I get more pussy and you get more... whatever it is you get."
"Ass," Luke said, at the exact same moment Harry said, "Arse." They shot each other dirty looks.
Before Buffy could make a witty quip about Brit-picking, the door opened, and two young men walked in, looking around the room with wide eyes. Harry ran a hand through his hair and smiled at them, but Buffy was already on her feet and stalking towards them.
"Oh, no you don't -- your show's only been on for two seasons. The minimum for the Hero Club is three."
"Oh, come on," Luke said, a hint of a whine in his tone. "Their show just got renewed for a third. They'll be in here come fall anyway."
"There are rules," Buffy spat. "Just because they're cute incestuous brothers doesn't mean they get to bend them. Out!"
She closed the door and returned to her seat on the sofa. Luke and Harry exchanged a glance.
"That time of the month?" Harry asked, already holding his wand out to defect the bottle he expected her to hurl at him.
She closed her eyes. "No. I'm just frustrated that Xander gets more action than I do."
"As does Draco." Harry sighed.
"Yeah, but half of it's with you."
"So we strike," Luke said. He pulled the lightsaber hilt from his belt and held it out before him.
"Strike," Harry said holding out his wand.
"Strike," Buffy said, and rummaged through her purse for a stake. "Until they write us some fucking slash."
~*~*~*~*~
Edit: Wow, that was quick! I have ten, but if you want to leave yours anyway, go ahead. Anyone who wants to write one of the extras shall be rewarded! ;-)
So here's what I came up with. And these are probably more ficlets than drabbles, as they range from 200-500 words.
sonofdarkness requested: Harry Potter/Angel and/or Buffy Crossover. Draco meets Spike. Spike takes the absolute piss out of Draco for being such an obvious ponce.Note: This is probably not what you had in mind, but it's what came out of my fingers. ;-)
+++
Spike slammed back the last of the whiskey and pushed to his feet. It was late -- or rather, it was early. So early that it the sun might rise soon, and wouldn't that just be the cherry on top of his fucktastic night? He waded through the other drunks, shoving his way toward the door.
"Hey!"
He turned to see one of the drunks glaring at him. He vamped -- it usually got wankers off his case -- and snarled, menacingly.
The drunk rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. Like you'd bite someone in public."
Spike snarled again and pushed the boy back until he felt him hit a solid wall. "Want to bet?"
"Spike, it's me. Draco."
Spike forced his eyes to focus. Sure enough, it was that poncy little brat of Lucius Malfoy's. "Oh, fuck no."
"Fuck, yes." Draco's beady eyes lit up.
Lucius Malfoy was an admirable man, Spike had always thought. Cruel, cold-blooded, evil. Spike liked that in a person. Draco, however, was a sycophantic little shit who sucked up to everyone. Spike knew about the sucking part first hand.
"Fuck, no," Spike repeated. "Aren't you supposed to be off sucking your Dark Lord's dick or something?"
Draco smiled. "Been there, done that. Besides, it's my night off." His arms slithered around Spike's waist. "Want to Lord some of your Dark over me tonight?"
Spike scowled. He despised having sex with wizards as a rule. Other vampires, demons, humans, and even the occasional troll, sure -- but wizards were so full of themselves, always trying to use "magical lube" and such shite. He glared at Draco.
"Can I bite you?
"Sure."
Spike shrugged. "All right then."
dm_p requested: Harry/Draco, weird stuff sold on eBay.+++
Harry stared at the computer screen for nearly a full minute before he could manage to open his mouth.
"Draco?"
"Yeah?" a sleepy voice asked from somewhere near the sofa.
"Would you happen to know who PureBlood1980 is?"
There was a moment of silence, followed by a meek, "Sorry?"
"Pureblood1980. On eBay."
"No. Why?"
Harry turned to glare at him. "Because he's apparently selling locks of my hair."
"How odd," Draco replied, fake-stifling a yawn. "He must be a deranged fan."
Harry's eyes narrowed. "Locks of my pubic hair."
Draco paled a bit. "That's... very odd."
"You know what else is very odd?"
"What?"
"That you got me drunk and convinced me to let you shave me the other night."
Draco squirmed a bit. "What a coincidence."
Harry glared at him a moment longer, and then turned back to the computer screen. "The high bid is 300 pounds."
"Really?" Draco was off the sofa and behind his shoulder in an instant.
Harry swallowed a grin. "You'd better be planning to buy me a very nice gift."
neotoma requested: Luke, Obi-Wan, or Qui-Gon. gen. "It might be Bunnies!"Note: This one also went in a different direction than the requester probably intended...
+++
Obi-Wan sank to his knees in the cool darkness of his adobe hut, and reached out to the Force for guidance.
"Master Qui-Gon, I need your help."
He waited several moments, and finally a blue-tinted vision appeared before him. "What is it now, Obi-Wan? I was busy playing holo-chess with Mace Windu, and he cheats when I have to materialize to this plane of existence for more than a minute."
"I am sorry, Master, but it's of grave importance. It's about Anakin's son, Luke."
Qui-Gon's brow furrowed. "Is something wrong?"
Obi-Wan was sure the pain was visible on his face. "Yes, Master. It's... how do I put this? He's a bit of a... wuss."
"A wuss?" Qui-Gon blinked at him. "Obi-Wan, I'm afraid I don't follow you."
"He's just not Jedi material. Anakin's son he may be, but this is not the Chosen One who'll bring balance to the Force, I can assure you."
"Padawan, I think your failure with the father is clouding your judgment of the son."
"No, it isn't. Luke whines constantly, about everything. He's overly concerned about what his friends think of him, and whether his hair is feathered just right, and lives in deathly fear of getting his white tunics dirty."
Qui-Gon frowned. "Would he be open to wearing black? It was rather fetching on his father."
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "In this heat? You haven't been to Tattooine in a while, have you? Anyway, I've tried to convince him to wear khaki, or something darker, but no. He has those knee-high white boots that match, so you know, he won't give up the white."
Qui-Gon sighed. "Obi-Wan, it isn't impossible for a good Jedi to have some fashion sense."
"He screams at the sight of bugs. He sleeps with a night light and a teddy bear. He's afraid of bunnies, Qui!"
"They can be vicious."
"You're not going to help me out here, are you?"
"You made your own bed with all of this Anakin shit, you know. Now you have to lie in it."
Obi-Wan swallowed a grimace. "What if I were to travel to Alderaan, to train the girl instead?"
"Out of the question."
"That's a bit sexist, don't you think? She could be the one in the Prophecy. There have been many great female--"
Qui-Gon snorted. "Don't think I don't know your true motive, my aging Padawan. Senator Bail Organa was quite the hottie in his day, and I'm sure there'd be fringe benefits to tutoring his little princess in the ways of the Force."
Obi-Wan blushed, and wondered how Qui-Gon knew about that particular fantasy. "Master, no! I feel the Force pulling me towards Alderaan."
"It's the pull of something in your trousers you're thinking of," Qui-Gon retorted. "I'm sure Tattooine sucks and all, but this is the will of the Force. Deal with it." And with that, his image faded away.
Obi-Wan gritted his teeth. "Bastard."
bethbethbeth requested: Harry, Buffy, and Luke: considering whether they should go on strike.+++
Buffy leaned back in her chair and took a sip from her wine cooler bottle. "So I was thinking..."
"Imagine that," Harry muttered. Luke snickered, but looked abashed when Buffy shot him a glare.
"That we should go on strike," she continued, tossing her hair over her shoulder.
"On strike?" Luke's eyes narrowed through the steam rising from his mug of muja-flavored tea. "Are you serious?"
Buffy rolled her eyes and turned to Harry, whose forehead was furrowed in thought. "Do you really think it will work?"
"No," Buffy replied with a snort. "But if I get paired with Spike or Angel one more time, I'm going to hurl."
Luke snorted. "At least you don't have hordes of profic writers creating a new girlfriend for you every book, and getting into ship wars over it."
Harry winced. "Can we not talk about ship wars, just this once?"
"Oh, please," Buffy said. "People slash you with half the characters in your books. My show is full of hot girls, but where's the femmeslash?"
"Hello, Faith?" Luke offered. "Willow? Anya? You get slashed. All I get is Han, who's beyond straight, and maybe the occasional Obi-Wan fic. And not the cute young Ewan version of him, mind you, but the old wrinkly version, who's like 50 years older than me." He shuddered.
"Which brings me back to the point," Buffy continued. "We go on strike. No muses, no new canon, no nothing until I get more pussy and you get more... whatever it is you get."
"Ass," Luke said, at the exact same moment Harry said, "Arse." They shot each other dirty looks.
Before Buffy could make a witty quip about Brit-picking, the door opened, and two young men walked in, looking around the room with wide eyes. Harry ran a hand through his hair and smiled at them, but Buffy was already on her feet and stalking towards them.
"Oh, no you don't -- your show's only been on for two seasons. The minimum for the Hero Club is three."
"Oh, come on," Luke said, a hint of a whine in his tone. "Their show just got renewed for a third. They'll be in here come fall anyway."
"There are rules," Buffy spat. "Just because they're cute incestuous brothers doesn't mean they get to bend them. Out!"
She closed the door and returned to her seat on the sofa. Luke and Harry exchanged a glance.
"That time of the month?" Harry asked, already holding his wand out to defect the bottle he expected her to hurl at him.
She closed her eyes. "No. I'm just frustrated that Xander gets more action than I do."
"As does Draco." Harry sighed.
"Yeah, but half of it's with you."
"So we strike," Luke said. He pulled the lightsaber hilt from his belt and held it out before him.
"Strike," Harry said holding out his wand.
"Strike," Buffy said, and rummaged through her purse for a stake. "Until they write us some fucking slash."
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no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:40 am (UTC)H/D
Weird stuff sold on ebay
OR
Weird stuff that happened in history on either or both character's birthday.
OR
One or both of them are starving artist/playwrights.
So yeah.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:42 am (UTC)BtVS: Spike/Xander
Cracktastic plot: Warren went crazy with the robot making... um... that's all I got. I'm sorry, I don't what you can do with that, usually I'm really good with crazy story lines =/
no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:43 am (UTC)Voyager/HP
Date: 2007-04-10 01:44 am (UTC)--ls
no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:46 am (UTC)Draco/Spike
Date: 2007-04-10 01:50 am (UTC)Don't feel obligated if this is one of the first ten. I've never suggested a prompt before so this might be dumb. I just thought the two blondies ought to interact and maybe pick up some tips from each other about how to play the bad-boy role.
Cal
no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 02:27 am (UTC)In some AU freak coincidence, Luke and Harry meet up and challenge each other to a race of beating the other person's dark lord first. The winner gets to make the loser his sex slave.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 02:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 02:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 02:47 am (UTC)I think I might like him more than Draco, though don't tell him I said that.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 02:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 02:58 am (UTC)That's awesome!
(and so, so Draco...)
no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 03:33 am (UTC)Cal
you make me giggle
Date: 2007-04-10 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 03:40 am (UTC)